Thoughts on Leadership

Along with the rest of the world, I have been watching the rescue of the Chilean miners. I like this comment from President Piñera of Chile: "We have learned from this accident that unity, faith, hope, and courage can achieve all the goals that we can set for our country." It is true, also, in our everyday lives and relationships.

Reading about Luis Urzua, the crew leader of the trapped miners gave great insight into what a true leader is: one who loves and serves those who are in his care. "As the leader of a group that was forced to live in perpetual darkness, high humidity and hot temperatures, Urzua kept up order, spirits and solidarity among the group, by setting everyone tasks and making sure that no one was marginalized."

It reminded me of the conversation I had with some teens in Washington. When I went to Spokane in August I covered a two-day youth conference for 1,600 teens. I also interviewed several of them about the qualities of leadership, as well as what it takes to be a good follower. The conference was well-done with group activities, service projects, and a spiritual program; the adult leaders were organized, kind, and helpful; the kids were excited to be there and had a lot of fun meeting new people and participating in the event. Several of them talked to me about the feeling of unity and friendship that was there. I enjoyed the whole experience, but the best part was getting to talk to the young men and young women; they were delightful.

Some of the group scenes from the conference.

During the discussions on leadership, they shared sweet experiences with me and gave insight wise beyond their years. They often mentioned the qualities of unity, faith, and courage. Said one young man: "Part of being in a leadership position means helping those that may need an extra hand. I have found that by helping others I help myself, and I am learning to be a better friend and person."

They also understood the importance of listening to what others have to say. One young lady commented: "Part of being a good leader is knowing when to put aside what you want and give others what they want. I think knowing when to step back and compromise is important." Someone else said, "You have to know how to serve before you can be a good leader."

They know that along with learning to be good leaders they need to be good followers also, and do what is asked of them with a good attitude. Said one: "followership is active." Observed another: "I know that followers behind a leader are like links in a chain. If a follower isn't helping another follower up, like a chain holds itself together, then the chain will fall apart and the leadership will be worth nothing."

Like the example of those trapped in the mine, their counsel applies to us all. When I follow these qualities in my relationship with David as well as with the rest of the family, it all goes so much better.

Scenes from Spokane: the clock tower, falls, and river

Changing Seasons

I always feel introspective around my birthday season, and this year was no exception. I had a good birthday weekend, complete with flowers and dinner from David, a family party, a happy phone call from my daughter Lara in Mexico, and two grandchildren (Gabby, 8, and Brad, 4) who spent the weekend with us. I couldn't have asked for better.

I had lunch with a friend last week. We talked about the way our lives are so different from what we envisioned when we were young. She asked me if I would change any major decisions that I have made.

It made me pause for a few minutes and think back over the years. I was very idealistic when I was young; I also didn't have a clear picture of what it was I wanted to do besides being a wife and mother. I have often thought that if I had had any idea of what was ahead for me I would have run the other way. But then I would have missed out on choice experiences; so no, I wouldn't change anything:

* Leaving school to work full-time (well, maybe that one); but that was when I met my first husband.

* Marrying my first husband. As difficult as it was because of circumstances and personality conflicts, I still learned important lessons about myself and life, and gained three amazing and precious children in the bargain.

*Divorcing that first husband. No, it needed to be that way for both of us to grow and move on. Twenty-five years later we have a good relationship. So, there again, no real regrets.

* Marrying David. I can't imagine life without him and the blended family we worked so hard to create, including the three children he came with and the two that we had together. Each one is important and loved. And while it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, the last 24 years with him have been worth it.

The first week of April and October has traditionally been incredibly hectic with preparing the conference edition of the magazine. Because of changing technology and a streamlined schedule I have been freed of post-conference work; that means my life isn't put on hold for two weeks and I can do my regular work assignments. While I am not sorry for the change (28 years of running at a breakneck pace for two weeks is plenty!), I do feel slightly displaced. It's part of a cycle of change that happens in life, and I'm seeing that cycle of change happen more and more often at work lately: A dear friend that I enjoyed working with for 27 years retired on my birthday; news came recently of health problems that a good friend and former coworker is dealing with; hearing about the unexpected passing of another respected friend and former coworker. When I went to the retirement party for my friend I saw a number of friends, and thought back over the years. I realize that I have been truly blessed to work for the magazines and have been taught by masters in the field of editing and journalism. I can only hope to be as truly talented as they are.

David took me for a long ride this last weekend to celebrate the changing season, both in nature as well as at work. I enjoyed the fall colors in the mountains, the sleepy towns that we drove through, and the quiet conversation between us. His mood has been fairly stable, although he struggled at times last week with some depression. When he was manic earlier in the month he decided that he wanted to buy a harley-davidson motorcycle. I wasn't happy with the idea, but eventually told him that I would support him if he did. I also told him that I was not willing or able to cosign on a loan for one. He was sad when he couldn't get the financing, and I did my best not to be too happy about not acquiring a motorcycle. Happily, he's working through the disappointment.

He also decided to put together a fishing pontoon made of pvc pipe and styrofoam while he was manic, and he's been working hard at finishing his project. I think that part of the problem is that he doesn't have enough to keep him busy; having something to work on helps keep him stable. I'm hoping we can find something more for him to do this fall and winter.

Manic Season

We had a great Labor Day weekend, with a four-day camping trip to the Uinta Mountains. We camped at a beautiful, serene mountain lake (interrupted on occasion with people on ATVs), hiked to several mountains lakes, David fished, and I read and knitted. I enjoyed the beautiful weather, and noticed leaves slowly changing to mark the beginning of a new season.



Unfortunately, on the way home I noticed David slipping into mania. A few days later he told me that he had been slipping out of the house to go on his midnight walks when he couldn't sleep several times for the last few weeks, and asked me to call his dr. for help. By the time I came home with a report of the concerns the dr. shared with me, David had forgotten all about what had happened, and accused me of over-reacting. It was not a pretty conversation because I felt incredibly upset, worried, and angry over his behavior, and I forgot the first rule about staying calm.

I try not to go into gory details here of all that was said until after a crisis has passed because I want to be as fair as possible to David. I also want to focus on what I have learned, instead of the crisis itself. (I have also been really busy with work and family issues lately, as well.) We managed to have a truce for several days because our Soldier Brian and his family came for a visit. It was fun to have them here, and to get better acquainted with and enjoy the grandchildren.

His mood, though, kept getting more and more manic, complete with listening to the voices in his head, no sleep, and irrational ideas. He started realizing that he was out of control and asked me again to call the dr. for help. We went to a therapist for the first time this week, and David has another appointment to see him in two weeks to work on his temper.

It was helpful to spend a few minutes talking to the therapist about my view of David's behavior, and some of the challenges that I have in dealing with his moods. He and my brother both told me that I cannot "make" David to do what is healthiest for him; it ultimately is his choice. I've been thinking about that, and I do see their point. However, I also do not have to protect him from the consequences of his actions. On the occasion when he succumbs to a desire for some alcohol I refuse to give him sympathy for the hangover that accompanies it.

Fortunately, David finally worked through the mania, and is relatively stable again. We've been able to talk about what happened and some more on what we need to do to work through these difficult cycles that come every few months. For example, my birthday is this coming weekend. At first he wanted to go on another camping trip, but I frankly am really tired of being away from home on the weekend. We were going to compromise for a one-day camp, but we both decided that we would rather just go for a drive in the mountains to see some fall color. Now that I can live with; I'm looking forward to the day.

Have you seen a miracle today?

Someone asked me that question in an elevator the other day. And then I enjoyed this thought from my "kindness calendar" today: "Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle."—A course in miracles

It made me think about miracles in my life. There are the big miracles, such as the ones Jesus performed, and still does today as we let Him. There are also the miracles associated with nature and the boom in secular knowledge, such as how an apple comes from a seed (I know the botanists know, but I don't) and being able to speak to my daughter in southern Mexico on a cell phone (I know the scientists understand it, but again, I don't). Then there are the small everyday miracles that we may not notice until we look back over time. Miracles such as these frequently demand a lot of time, patience, perseverance and hard work, but miracles they are.

Miracles in my life include, but are not limited, to:

*Watching David work through his illness with courage. He has struggled this last week with unwanted mood changes, including 2 days of not being able to do anything. I worried about it, but decided that sitting home and fretting with him was not going to solve anything, so I went to work. When I came home the other day he, as he put it, "decided I had to climb back up on the bucking horse again" and cleaned the house and yard. I know it is hard for him, but he does it anyway. He has his regular appointment today with his doctor, and I'm hoping he can help David manage his moods a bit better.

*Learning to do things that as a formerly shy person I couldn't have ever imagined doing, such as (and I know it sounds silly) making business phone calls as well as interviewing others about their opinions and experiences on a variety of subjects. That was one of the great things about the recent trip; it gave me confidence and I really enjoyed the whole experience.

*Seeing my children grow and progress and bloom. I try to respect their privacy and don't discuss here the family dramas that are bound to happen in a family as large as ours filled with strong-willed, high-spirited people, but I do reserve the right to gush over them when occasion demands. Last Friday was one of those occasions: I watched my engineer student Ben defend his master's thesis. He was well-prepared, knew what he was talking about, and it was obvious from his master's committee that they understood what he was saying and signed the important 4 signatures on his project. I am so proud of him! This young man grew from an inquisitive little boy to a bored teen who wouldn't go to school and ended up passing his GED with flying colors at the end of his junior year of high school. As his dad and stepmother put it (who both deserve a huge pat on the back for helping him), they helped turn him from a long-haired dropout to a math and science nerd. At one time we despaired over him but he grew up, served an LDS mission to Australia, came home, married well, had 3 children, and worked hard during his 7 years of intense schooling. He and his wife are both excited and ready to move on to the next phase of their life, and I am so happy for them.

(The apple is symbolic of not just the miracle of nature, but of my recent trip.)

Back from a Long Weekend

We had our annual family camping trip last weekend. We had been planning this for a month or so, even though half of the family couldn't come because of work and other obligations. (Sometimes it feels like herding cats trying to accommodate everyone's busy schedules.) We were getting excited about going when we had word that one of David's aunts passed away following a long illness. We didn't know what the funeral plans were until Thursday afternoon, which was when we had planned to leave for the mountains. The upset about the funeral plus the stress of packing for a trip sent David into a manic episode, but we finally left Thursday evening. By Friday noon, the mountains had worked their calming magic for him, and we ended up having a good time. He loves being in the mountains, finding serenity in the beautiful scenery. That is where he is at his relaxed best.

Three of our daughters, their families, and David's ex, Bette, joined us Friday afternoon. Bette has joined us on a number of camping trips over the years, and we enjoy being with her. She has been great at helping me to understand David, and on occasion we have been known to "gang up" on him to get him to behave.

We were at Lily Lake in the Uintah Mountains, much to 3-year-old Lily's delight. David taught the 5 grandchildren who were there how to fish, and gave them some poles without hooks to practice casting out into the lake. We also hiked around the small lake, and relaxed. The kids had fun running around, playing hide and seek, building a fort, and having "smarshmallows" in the evening. The weather even cooperated. This was Lily's first real camping trip, and she had a great time observing all that was going on and keeping up with the bigger kids. Watching the kids have such a good time made all the effort and stress involved worth it.





The dogs were also in heaven running through the long grass near the lake. By the time we left they were so tired they could hardly move. But they were happy.

On Monday David and I spent the day with his mother driving to her sister's funeral, and then taking some time to locate and visit family grave sites. The weather was pleasant, and the funeral very moving and thought-provoking. I have been thinking of my own mother's passing lately, and the speakers reminded me of important and soothing truths about the purpose of this life. I realized again that family members past and present are an important part of who we are and that we best honor them by the way we live our lives.

David did well through the funeral and the drive home, but the last two days have been difficult for him. He slipped into depression, thinking about all the possible "what ifs." One of the reasons for this latest sadness is that it is the 2-year anniversary of his father's passing from Alzheimer's. He does tell me about how he's feeling, but I worry about his lack of energy and wonder how long this cycle will last.

When he was manic while preparing for the camping trip I was also stressed, and decided to try some deep breathing for a few minutes. While it didn't work miracles, it did help me relax a bit and focus on what needed to be done. We go through pre-trip mania every time we go somewhere, and even though I know it's going to happen, it's still frustrating and nerve-wracking. Even though camping is a lot of work, I still enjoy going.