Changing Seasons

I always feel introspective around my birthday season, and this year was no exception. I had a good birthday weekend, complete with flowers and dinner from David, a family party, a happy phone call from my daughter Lara in Mexico, and two grandchildren (Gabby, 8, and Brad, 4) who spent the weekend with us. I couldn't have asked for better.

I had lunch with a friend last week. We talked about the way our lives are so different from what we envisioned when we were young. She asked me if I would change any major decisions that I have made.

It made me pause for a few minutes and think back over the years. I was very idealistic when I was young; I also didn't have a clear picture of what it was I wanted to do besides being a wife and mother. I have often thought that if I had had any idea of what was ahead for me I would have run the other way. But then I would have missed out on choice experiences; so no, I wouldn't change anything:

* Leaving school to work full-time (well, maybe that one); but that was when I met my first husband.

* Marrying my first husband. As difficult as it was because of circumstances and personality conflicts, I still learned important lessons about myself and life, and gained three amazing and precious children in the bargain.

*Divorcing that first husband. No, it needed to be that way for both of us to grow and move on. Twenty-five years later we have a good relationship. So, there again, no real regrets.

* Marrying David. I can't imagine life without him and the blended family we worked so hard to create, including the three children he came with and the two that we had together. Each one is important and loved. And while it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, the last 24 years with him have been worth it.

The first week of April and October has traditionally been incredibly hectic with preparing the conference edition of the magazine. Because of changing technology and a streamlined schedule I have been freed of post-conference work; that means my life isn't put on hold for two weeks and I can do my regular work assignments. While I am not sorry for the change (28 years of running at a breakneck pace for two weeks is plenty!), I do feel slightly displaced. It's part of a cycle of change that happens in life, and I'm seeing that cycle of change happen more and more often at work lately: A dear friend that I enjoyed working with for 27 years retired on my birthday; news came recently of health problems that a good friend and former coworker is dealing with; hearing about the unexpected passing of another respected friend and former coworker. When I went to the retirement party for my friend I saw a number of friends, and thought back over the years. I realize that I have been truly blessed to work for the magazines and have been taught by masters in the field of editing and journalism. I can only hope to be as truly talented as they are.

David took me for a long ride this last weekend to celebrate the changing season, both in nature as well as at work. I enjoyed the fall colors in the mountains, the sleepy towns that we drove through, and the quiet conversation between us. His mood has been fairly stable, although he struggled at times last week with some depression. When he was manic earlier in the month he decided that he wanted to buy a harley-davidson motorcycle. I wasn't happy with the idea, but eventually told him that I would support him if he did. I also told him that I was not willing or able to cosign on a loan for one. He was sad when he couldn't get the financing, and I did my best not to be too happy about not acquiring a motorcycle. Happily, he's working through the disappointment.

He also decided to put together a fishing pontoon made of pvc pipe and styrofoam while he was manic, and he's been working hard at finishing his project. I think that part of the problem is that he doesn't have enough to keep him busy; having something to work on helps keep him stable. I'm hoping we can find something more for him to do this fall and winter.

Manic Season

We had a great Labor Day weekend, with a four-day camping trip to the Uinta Mountains. We camped at a beautiful, serene mountain lake (interrupted on occasion with people on ATVs), hiked to several mountains lakes, David fished, and I read and knitted. I enjoyed the beautiful weather, and noticed leaves slowly changing to mark the beginning of a new season.



Unfortunately, on the way home I noticed David slipping into mania. A few days later he told me that he had been slipping out of the house to go on his midnight walks when he couldn't sleep several times for the last few weeks, and asked me to call his dr. for help. By the time I came home with a report of the concerns the dr. shared with me, David had forgotten all about what had happened, and accused me of over-reacting. It was not a pretty conversation because I felt incredibly upset, worried, and angry over his behavior, and I forgot the first rule about staying calm.

I try not to go into gory details here of all that was said until after a crisis has passed because I want to be as fair as possible to David. I also want to focus on what I have learned, instead of the crisis itself. (I have also been really busy with work and family issues lately, as well.) We managed to have a truce for several days because our Soldier Brian and his family came for a visit. It was fun to have them here, and to get better acquainted with and enjoy the grandchildren.

His mood, though, kept getting more and more manic, complete with listening to the voices in his head, no sleep, and irrational ideas. He started realizing that he was out of control and asked me again to call the dr. for help. We went to a therapist for the first time this week, and David has another appointment to see him in two weeks to work on his temper.

It was helpful to spend a few minutes talking to the therapist about my view of David's behavior, and some of the challenges that I have in dealing with his moods. He and my brother both told me that I cannot "make" David to do what is healthiest for him; it ultimately is his choice. I've been thinking about that, and I do see their point. However, I also do not have to protect him from the consequences of his actions. On the occasion when he succumbs to a desire for some alcohol I refuse to give him sympathy for the hangover that accompanies it.

Fortunately, David finally worked through the mania, and is relatively stable again. We've been able to talk about what happened and some more on what we need to do to work through these difficult cycles that come every few months. For example, my birthday is this coming weekend. At first he wanted to go on another camping trip, but I frankly am really tired of being away from home on the weekend. We were going to compromise for a one-day camp, but we both decided that we would rather just go for a drive in the mountains to see some fall color. Now that I can live with; I'm looking forward to the day.

Welcome Spring!

We just got back from our first carp fishing expedition along the Jordan River this year.
A warm, sunny day with a light breeze, the dogs had fun running up and down the banks, David relaxed with his fishing poles, and I started knitting a blanket for a soon-to-arrive grandbaby (that will make three in six months).

The river was still in its winter look of browns and grays.

But I found a daffodil bud in my garden yesterday—a welcome sight.

And the spring flower gardens in the plaza where I work have been planted and are now blooming, giving a taste of things to come. We've had some storms lately, but each of them clear up quickly, giving us welcome sunshine.

Like unpredictable spring weather, David has been doing a lot of rapid cycling in the last few weeks. Happily, his highs and lows aren't as extreme as they were last month, and he pulls out of them sooner. He doesn't take the zyprexa every day because he doesn't like the way he feels on them. He says he'd rather deal with a little noise in his head, but he's learning to take it when he feels a bad cycle starting, or to help manage his stress when it gets to be overwhelming.

We're hoping the warmer days with more light will be welcome help in managing his illness.

Family update: Sailor Jeff and Nikki made it home safely. He found a good job doing security work soon after he got back, thanks in large part to his two years of doing ship security for the Nimitz. We're glad to have them home. Soldier Brian is at Airborne school in Georgia, learning how to jump out of airplanes. We're very proud of him. I should also add that I'm glad I don't have to watch him jump! Ben blessed his sweet baby Kylee last week; it was fun to be there and then visit with him and his family afterward. We also had a baby shower for our youngest daughter, Katie, who is due with her first baby sometime in the next few weeks.

I had a case of writer's block, but finally worked through it. Finishing a story for the magazines about an amazing young man who accomplishes his goals in spite of an intellectual disability helped me put things back in perspective. He said, "I can't read or write, but I can memorize, and be a good example to others." How can he miss with an attitude like that?

Jeff and Nikki

Me and mommy-to-be, Katie.

Below: Ben's wife, Emily, and Kylee.

First Day of Fall

Happy first full day of Fall!
Fall is my favorite season of the year. I know some people really struggle with the changing seasons, including David. He usually has a bad bout of the blues about this time of year, and that can put a damper on it, but I enjoy it for several reasons:

1. Utah has beautiful falls with warm, sunny days and cool nights.

2. The red color of the scrub oak and gold of the aspens make the mountains come alive with color. We went to our favorite fishing spot on Sunday, and while the leaves haven't fully changed, there was a hint of things to come.


Lost Creek Reservoir, near Ogden, Utah


3. The start of the new school year, even though I'm not going this year, makes me feel energetic and eager to work on projects around the house. I'm not terribly domestic, so I try to take advantage of the mood while it lasts.

4. It's my birthday season, and I like taking some time to ponder over the events of the past year, and make new goals. It's my version of New Year's resolutions.

Some of my goals are to write more regularly here, and work on family history stories and research. My brother helpfully reminded me of that today.

I am also looking forward to working on household projects that have been long neglected. I plan on painting several rooms that desperately need it.

David and I talked this morning about how our summer went. He cheerfully recalled several activities and achievements he's had during the summer months. This summer hasn't been without its challenges, but he's been much more active and healthy than he has been in at least two years. That's a good feeling.

I came home this evening, and found him in the depths of deep despair. It's hard to know how to help him when he gets in these moods. I've found that about all I can do is sit with him quietly, and pray for the darkness to lift. Rob Thomas's song, "Her Diamonds" describes how I feel when he's so down. As hard as it is to watch him suffer, I know I have to keep going and not get sucked into his mood.

Rob Thomas - New Music - More Music Videos

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