Headed Out of Town . . . Again

for both a work assignment and a few days of personal leave.

I am going to Spokane, Washington, to cover a two-day youth conference for the magazine and to do some other interviews as well. I'm both excited and terribly nervous because this is my first solo traveling assignment. This is one of the reasons why I went back to school, and now I get to put that brand-new diploma to work.

After I get done working, my beloved 85-year-old dad is going to join me for two days of exploring family history sites. He grew up in the area, and I am so looking forward to seeing places that meant a lot to him and hearing the stories that he tells with flair.

David is happy about the opportunity for me, but I'm a little worried because I can hear in his voice and see in his body language that his mood is starting to sour. There isn't much I can do about it right now except pray a lot and keep in touch with him by phone. Hopefully he'll do his best to stay busy and calm so we can work through it when I get home Tuesday. Prayers for him, please.

fishing trip

Last week was a rough one. David went through another bout of rapid cycling mixed episodes, and I had round two of sinus and ear infections. Because of his mood cycle he was not very understanding when I stayed home in bed for three days; it really aggravated his anxiety and paranoia. Then on Saturday, just when I was about to throw in the towel, his mood suddenly shifted back to normal. That's one of the things about having a bipolar spouse that I find most challenging: keeping up with his mood swings. He went from Mr. Nasty to David at his best in about 1/2 hour. When I asked him why the change in attitude, he just shrugged and said, "that's how my moods operate." It's pointless to stay angry at him because he doesn't remember half of what he said that was so hurtful. But trying to adjust my mood from being angry back to being "normal" is sometimes draining. I finally let go of being angry, bit my tongue, and asked him what he would like to do for Father's Day weekend.

"Go fishing," he said.

So we did a hasty packing job, loaded up the dogs, and went to his favorite fishing hole. It was just what we both needed. Lost Creek reservoir is at the top of a remote canyon and has been limited to day fishing only. It used to be open to camping and waterskiiing, but 10 years ago it was closed and strengthened for earthquakes. Before they closed it, we spent many weekends there camping overnight with our children when they were young. Now with just small fishing boats allowed on the lake, it has become a serene spot. David had a good time fishing, and I read and knitted and napped to my heart's content.

David ended up catching two 18-inch fish. It made his day. I refuse to do anything with fish, so he cleaned them and cooked them. They were tasty.

The dogs, Lucy and Sunny, also had a great time running around and exploring the area where we were camped. There weren't many people around, so they had the run of the place. When we came home, Lucy refused to get out of the car for over an hour. Here she is looking woe-be-gone.

I'm on the mend, thanks to a heavy-duty dose of antibiotics, and David, while his mood is still fluctuating, is doing much better. I had planned on painting my room, but it is still there, waiting to be painted this coming weekend. I think it comes down to being willing to roll with his moods and being flexible about getting my projects done. Frustrating? Oh yes. But I have to look at the bigger picture, which is helping David to keep as level as possible. It was a good choice to go fishing.

Welcome Spring!

We just got back from our first carp fishing expedition along the Jordan River this year.
A warm, sunny day with a light breeze, the dogs had fun running up and down the banks, David relaxed with his fishing poles, and I started knitting a blanket for a soon-to-arrive grandbaby (that will make three in six months).

The river was still in its winter look of browns and grays.

But I found a daffodil bud in my garden yesterday—a welcome sight.

And the spring flower gardens in the plaza where I work have been planted and are now blooming, giving a taste of things to come. We've had some storms lately, but each of them clear up quickly, giving us welcome sunshine.

Like unpredictable spring weather, David has been doing a lot of rapid cycling in the last few weeks. Happily, his highs and lows aren't as extreme as they were last month, and he pulls out of them sooner. He doesn't take the zyprexa every day because he doesn't like the way he feels on them. He says he'd rather deal with a little noise in his head, but he's learning to take it when he feels a bad cycle starting, or to help manage his stress when it gets to be overwhelming.

We're hoping the warmer days with more light will be welcome help in managing his illness.

Family update: Sailor Jeff and Nikki made it home safely. He found a good job doing security work soon after he got back, thanks in large part to his two years of doing ship security for the Nimitz. We're glad to have them home. Soldier Brian is at Airborne school in Georgia, learning how to jump out of airplanes. We're very proud of him. I should also add that I'm glad I don't have to watch him jump! Ben blessed his sweet baby Kylee last week; it was fun to be there and then visit with him and his family afterward. We also had a baby shower for our youngest daughter, Katie, who is due with her first baby sometime in the next few weeks.

I had a case of writer's block, but finally worked through it. Finishing a story for the magazines about an amazing young man who accomplishes his goals in spite of an intellectual disability helped me put things back in perspective. He said, "I can't read or write, but I can memorize, and be a good example to others." How can he miss with an attitude like that?

Jeff and Nikki

Me and mommy-to-be, Katie.

Below: Ben's wife, Emily, and Kylee.

Working with Mood Swings

I recently saw a list at "The Bipolar Spouse" about how not to interact with loved ones who have the disorder. Since I can't seem to link to the page, I thought I'd share them in a condensed form. After looking around the internet, this is the best list I could find on the subject. I have also had to learn the hard way about all of these issues, and I wholeheartedly agree with what he says:
"1. Ignore Suicidal Behavior or Tendencies"2. Fight Back Over Irrational Arguments"When the bipolar cycle shifts into a manic/hypomanic or depressive state, the mood and mindset of our loved on may slip into a very irrational state and the basic sense of reality may also deteriorate. Such arguments may arise that include topics or concerns that are normally not a concern or a threat and there may be no indication as to why the topic has been brought up at all. Choosing to fight back on such topics can be damaging to both parties and can enable our bipolar spouse to view such topics as a true threat and may inhibit some intense reactions and dangerous results if not resolved as soon as possible.
"3. Blame Your Loved One for the Disorder
"Bipolar disorder is developed over time and may generally be handed down genetically from the family tree. Those afflicted with the disorder never ask to be affected, nor have they chosen to host the disorder so it is not fair to simply place blame for the disorder on our loved one and how it affects the relationship. Given the progressive appearance of the relationship, younger individuals may witness the slow appearance of the disorder over time and make false assumptions that the changes are planned out by the afflicted individual. This is not the case and blaming our loved one for allowing the disorder to hurt the relationship is simply not fair to the individual.
"4. Enable Abusive Behavior and Disrespect
"There is a fine line between “acceptance” and “abuse” and unfortunately, even our bipolar loved ones can learn to cross this line during an episode if supporters are not willing to place an appropriate amount of accountability into the relationship. There are indeed occasions where our loved ones may make some irrational decisions and lash out without merit, but if we do not make it known that there is a line that must not be crossed, we as supporters can quickly being to advertise that we are willing to take any amount of such factors without much consequence. Although the disorder can push our loved ones over the edge, we must still maintain respect and love in the relationship.
"5. Digging Up Old Bones
"Bringing up the past can trigger off some intensive anxiety which may induce an expected episode and introduce either old arguments, or previously resolved tensions. Rehashing past mistakes or events can repaint an image that was once forgotten, and during an full-blown episode, that past may become the present again.
"6. Pass Judgment on Irrational Behavior
"Along the lines of placing accountability, we must keep in mind that bipolar disorder’s most common symptom involves driving the afflicted individual to act out on irrational decisions and present very ordinary behavior. Although some of these decisions can be managed, mistakes can be made and if we are willing to forgive and/or forget, this must be an all-or-nothing agreement. Mistakes are just that, mistakes…and they must be become an identifying factor of our loved ones.
"7. Support or Offer Self-Medication
"8. Use Physical Restraint or Violence
"During some manic/hypomanic episodes, frustrations and outright anger may ensue during an outburst or argument. Unless there is a threat to human life, it is imperative that physical restraint or violence is not introduced into the situation (unless performed by a paramedic or other trained professional requiring restraint). Confining or restraining one during an episode may result in firing a trigger which may make the episode ever worse.
"9. Leave Loved One Alone During Episode
"The worst time for our loved ones to be alone is during the high or low end of an episode. In some cases, when left alone due to a walk-out after a fight, abandonment anxiety may set in and spur feelings of worthlessness and a feeling of being unloved. It is during these times that irrationality may take over and dangerous decisions and actions may be made that could potentially be life-threatening.
"10. Making Condescending Statements
"Such remarks that may appear insulting or condescending in nature can only add to the challenges of a bipolar relationship. "Some examples of these remarks are:
“Snap out of it.”
“Stop feeling sorry for yourself.”
“So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?”
“It’s your own fault.”
“You do this on purpose.”
Worst of all, do not say, “I know how you feel…”

True confession time: I used to raise my voice (OK, yell) at David or slam doors when I was frustrated with his irrational behavior and arguments. Unfortunately, all that accomplished was adding more contention and frustration for both of us, as well as for the children. I eventually learned better ways to react, but it was a long, slow learning process. Now when he's in one of his bad cycles (they do happen even though he tries so hard to control them), I listen to what he means, not necessarily to the words he's saying, watch his body language for clues to his mood, ignore insulting comments and irrational arguments and/or change the subject. When he tells me I'm yelling at him (and I'm not!) I calmly remind him that I am not yelling, I am explaining how I feel. It works MUCH better for both of us. The key is to remain as calm as possible to help him work through his mood swing, especially the dark ones when he says he's feeling "angry and hateful."

I also found some good suggestions on how to deal with biplar disorder at ehow.com. I especially agree with the counsel to NOT take anything he says when in one of his moods personally. He doesn't mean it, and most of the time doesn't even remember what he said.

Even though this illness is hard to deal with on occasion, there are also many happy moments and a strong bond developing between us that makes it worth all the hard work.