Changing Seasons

I always feel introspective around my birthday season, and this year was no exception. I had a good birthday weekend, complete with flowers and dinner from David, a family party, a happy phone call from my daughter Lara in Mexico, and two grandchildren (Gabby, 8, and Brad, 4) who spent the weekend with us. I couldn't have asked for better.

I had lunch with a friend last week. We talked about the way our lives are so different from what we envisioned when we were young. She asked me if I would change any major decisions that I have made.

It made me pause for a few minutes and think back over the years. I was very idealistic when I was young; I also didn't have a clear picture of what it was I wanted to do besides being a wife and mother. I have often thought that if I had had any idea of what was ahead for me I would have run the other way. But then I would have missed out on choice experiences; so no, I wouldn't change anything:

* Leaving school to work full-time (well, maybe that one); but that was when I met my first husband.

* Marrying my first husband. As difficult as it was because of circumstances and personality conflicts, I still learned important lessons about myself and life, and gained three amazing and precious children in the bargain.

*Divorcing that first husband. No, it needed to be that way for both of us to grow and move on. Twenty-five years later we have a good relationship. So, there again, no real regrets.

* Marrying David. I can't imagine life without him and the blended family we worked so hard to create, including the three children he came with and the two that we had together. Each one is important and loved. And while it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, the last 24 years with him have been worth it.

The first week of April and October has traditionally been incredibly hectic with preparing the conference edition of the magazine. Because of changing technology and a streamlined schedule I have been freed of post-conference work; that means my life isn't put on hold for two weeks and I can do my regular work assignments. While I am not sorry for the change (28 years of running at a breakneck pace for two weeks is plenty!), I do feel slightly displaced. It's part of a cycle of change that happens in life, and I'm seeing that cycle of change happen more and more often at work lately: A dear friend that I enjoyed working with for 27 years retired on my birthday; news came recently of health problems that a good friend and former coworker is dealing with; hearing about the unexpected passing of another respected friend and former coworker. When I went to the retirement party for my friend I saw a number of friends, and thought back over the years. I realize that I have been truly blessed to work for the magazines and have been taught by masters in the field of editing and journalism. I can only hope to be as truly talented as they are.

David took me for a long ride this last weekend to celebrate the changing season, both in nature as well as at work. I enjoyed the fall colors in the mountains, the sleepy towns that we drove through, and the quiet conversation between us. His mood has been fairly stable, although he struggled at times last week with some depression. When he was manic earlier in the month he decided that he wanted to buy a harley-davidson motorcycle. I wasn't happy with the idea, but eventually told him that I would support him if he did. I also told him that I was not willing or able to cosign on a loan for one. He was sad when he couldn't get the financing, and I did my best not to be too happy about not acquiring a motorcycle. Happily, he's working through the disappointment.

He also decided to put together a fishing pontoon made of pvc pipe and styrofoam while he was manic, and he's been working hard at finishing his project. I think that part of the problem is that he doesn't have enough to keep him busy; having something to work on helps keep him stable. I'm hoping we can find something more for him to do this fall and winter.

Martin Luther King Weekend

The week around Martin Luther King's birthday is always a time for introspection and sentimental musings for me because there are several birthdays in the family this week and it is the anniversary of my mother's death 33 years ago.

I made the mistake of not coming to terms with the loss of my mother at the time it happened. Instead, I buried my grief for years. I couldn't even talk about her or my childhood, even though I had a long, happy childhood and loving memories of her, for more than 15 years. Our oldest son Jon, and my daughter Lara also have birthdays that coincide with the anniversary, and I felt that I had to be at least reasonably cheerful for their birthdays.

Fortunately, some friends helped me talk through my feelings, and I came across the book, Motherless Daughters at a bookstore. I didn't have the money to buy it at the time, so I read and cried through it at the store. That was when I realized that it was all right to miss my mother (I still do), and I can honor her memory by the way I choose to live my life. Healing finally came when our sweet granddaughter Alicia Maree was born six years ago on that same date. I felt my mother's spirit when I held that precious newborn, and it gave me a sense of the circle of life.

I spent part of the long weekend sorting through old family pictures, looking at images of the family as they were growing up and wondering where the time went. My problem is that I am hopelessly sentimental and have SO MANY pictures (boxes of them, to be honest) that I get overwhelmed trying to sort through them. I start organizing them, then end up putting the pictures back because I run out of time. And they sit for several more months before I get brave enough to try again. This time I left the boxes in the living room to motivate me to go through them sooner rather than later. Notice that I don't say HOW soon that will be? David and I were joking about my problem, and I told him the good news is that I don't have any more film to develop and I will never get duplicate photos again. Thank goodness for digital cameras!

I've been working on writing a series of stories about service for the magazine, and have also been watching the developments in Haiti; my heart goes out to those who are suffering such unimaginable pain and to those who are there trying to help them. It restores my faith in mankind to see such outpouring of love and help from around the world. I am also grateful for the opportunity to contribute to the Church's efforts to help.

It seems appropriate to consider Martin Luther King Jr.'s words on the subject: "Agape is understanding, creative, redemptive goodwill toward all men. Agape is an overflowing love, which seeks nothing in return. Theologians would say that it is the love of God operating in the human heart. When you rise to love on this level, you love all men not because you like them, not because their ways appeal to you, but you love them because God loves them."

Or, as King Benjamin taught his people in the Book of Mormon: "When you are in the service of your fellow beings ye are only in the service of your God." (Book of Mormon, Mosiah 2:17)