Changing Seasons

I always feel introspective around my birthday season, and this year was no exception. I had a good birthday weekend, complete with flowers and dinner from David, a family party, a happy phone call from my daughter Lara in Mexico, and two grandchildren (Gabby, 8, and Brad, 4) who spent the weekend with us. I couldn't have asked for better.

I had lunch with a friend last week. We talked about the way our lives are so different from what we envisioned when we were young. She asked me if I would change any major decisions that I have made.

It made me pause for a few minutes and think back over the years. I was very idealistic when I was young; I also didn't have a clear picture of what it was I wanted to do besides being a wife and mother. I have often thought that if I had had any idea of what was ahead for me I would have run the other way. But then I would have missed out on choice experiences; so no, I wouldn't change anything:

* Leaving school to work full-time (well, maybe that one); but that was when I met my first husband.

* Marrying my first husband. As difficult as it was because of circumstances and personality conflicts, I still learned important lessons about myself and life, and gained three amazing and precious children in the bargain.

*Divorcing that first husband. No, it needed to be that way for both of us to grow and move on. Twenty-five years later we have a good relationship. So, there again, no real regrets.

* Marrying David. I can't imagine life without him and the blended family we worked so hard to create, including the three children he came with and the two that we had together. Each one is important and loved. And while it hasn't been easy by any stretch of the imagination, the last 24 years with him have been worth it.

The first week of April and October has traditionally been incredibly hectic with preparing the conference edition of the magazine. Because of changing technology and a streamlined schedule I have been freed of post-conference work; that means my life isn't put on hold for two weeks and I can do my regular work assignments. While I am not sorry for the change (28 years of running at a breakneck pace for two weeks is plenty!), I do feel slightly displaced. It's part of a cycle of change that happens in life, and I'm seeing that cycle of change happen more and more often at work lately: A dear friend that I enjoyed working with for 27 years retired on my birthday; news came recently of health problems that a good friend and former coworker is dealing with; hearing about the unexpected passing of another respected friend and former coworker. When I went to the retirement party for my friend I saw a number of friends, and thought back over the years. I realize that I have been truly blessed to work for the magazines and have been taught by masters in the field of editing and journalism. I can only hope to be as truly talented as they are.

David took me for a long ride this last weekend to celebrate the changing season, both in nature as well as at work. I enjoyed the fall colors in the mountains, the sleepy towns that we drove through, and the quiet conversation between us. His mood has been fairly stable, although he struggled at times last week with some depression. When he was manic earlier in the month he decided that he wanted to buy a harley-davidson motorcycle. I wasn't happy with the idea, but eventually told him that I would support him if he did. I also told him that I was not willing or able to cosign on a loan for one. He was sad when he couldn't get the financing, and I did my best not to be too happy about not acquiring a motorcycle. Happily, he's working through the disappointment.

He also decided to put together a fishing pontoon made of pvc pipe and styrofoam while he was manic, and he's been working hard at finishing his project. I think that part of the problem is that he doesn't have enough to keep him busy; having something to work on helps keep him stable. I'm hoping we can find something more for him to do this fall and winter.

Work Projects and Change

I planted some flowers and herbs last week. I am no gardening expert, but I enjoyed doing it and they have added nice color to our front yard. Next year I plan on doing more gardening, but this is a good step in the right direction.

I also starting preparing my room for a new paint job. Here is a "before" picture. The room has been home for the past 23 years to our daughters as they went from little girls to young women to leaving home and starting their own families. Katie had this room last. She insisted on painting it bright pink and had lots of Tinkerbell drawings on the wall. It fit her. When I took down all the pictures I felt terribly sentimental about her and her sisters. But I decided it would not be healthy to keep it as a shrine to them. I felt similarly when we turned our boys' old room into a pantry off the kitchen. We left it alone for 2 years until Jeff got married, then made the change. Even though it was hard to deconstruct their rooms, we are glad we did it.

And so it is with life. Changes come whether we want them to or not. The trick is to learn to make the most of what comes along. I enjoyed (for the most part) watching my children grow up in these rooms: their good times and bad, their play times, their learning experiences, their laughter and their tears. I miss my babies. But I also delight in the good things they are doing with their lives. With this new stage of being empty-nesters, I like the (relative) quiet, and the chance to do some things around the house that I never had time for before.

Brick Walls

I just finished reading the book The Last Lecture for my book club. Written by Randy Pausch, a professor at Carnegie Mellon who had terminal cancer, the book is a gift to his children about the wisdom he learned during his life. The rest of us were lucky to be included. I appreciated the collection of anecdotes and words of advice and wisdom.

One of my favorite quotes from the book is "Brick walls are there for a reason. They give us a chance to show how badly we want something." There is a lot of truth in that statement. And sometimes brick walls lead us in a different direction than what we had anticipated.

For example, when I started school six years ago, I had been the typesetter for the magazines for 20 years, and even though I enjoyed the work (reading to my hearts desire is part of the attraction), I knew I had come to a professional brick wall. I was also feeling stale personally because my two youngest were then in high school, and David was undiagnosed and difficult. Going back to school was my way of climbing over that wall. However, I anticipated using my degree to be a production editor and proofreader. I had no idea it would lead to a different work assignment, including getting to write articles for the magazine. What a happy change it has been; full of challenges and rewards.

One of the issues that I have been struggling with lately involves going to a different ward than where we have been going for the past 22 years. Every year our Sunday meeting time changes because more than one ward meets in our building, and we rotate our schedules (for example: 1 ward meets at 9:00, another at 11:00 and another at 1:00). Last year we met at 11:00, so this year it's at 1:00, which means we don't get home until 4:00. I know that for some that seems like a REALLY long time to be at church, but I enjoy the chance to reflect on spiritual matters and the food for thought that keeps me going through the week. As well as the fact that I love the people in my ward, in part because we have worked together through the years to help each other and to help raise our children together. The problem is that David doesn't function well in the afternoon, and feels that he will get more out of church if we go to the morning session. So it was either go to my ward alone, or go with David to the earlier meeting. I know. A no-brainer decision. But it was something of a brick wall for me. We started going to the other ward in January, and it's going to be a good experience for both of us. We have been warmly welcomed by people we have known for years as well as by those we've never met before. I'm looking forward to getting acquainted and learning with a new group of friends. And it's not like we won't get to visit with our regular ward members (our bishop asked us to help out on a committee to plan ward activities and socials, which will be fun), but I will miss the weekly association this year. I anticipate that this brick wall for me will be another channel of growth.