Have you seen a miracle today?

Someone asked me that question in an elevator the other day. And then I enjoyed this thought from my "kindness calendar" today: "Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle."—A course in miracles

It made me think about miracles in my life. There are the big miracles, such as the ones Jesus performed, and still does today as we let Him. There are also the miracles associated with nature and the boom in secular knowledge, such as how an apple comes from a seed (I know the botanists know, but I don't) and being able to speak to my daughter in southern Mexico on a cell phone (I know the scientists understand it, but again, I don't). Then there are the small everyday miracles that we may not notice until we look back over time. Miracles such as these frequently demand a lot of time, patience, perseverance and hard work, but miracles they are.

Miracles in my life include, but are not limited, to:

*Watching David work through his illness with courage. He has struggled this last week with unwanted mood changes, including 2 days of not being able to do anything. I worried about it, but decided that sitting home and fretting with him was not going to solve anything, so I went to work. When I came home the other day he, as he put it, "decided I had to climb back up on the bucking horse again" and cleaned the house and yard. I know it is hard for him, but he does it anyway. He has his regular appointment today with his doctor, and I'm hoping he can help David manage his moods a bit better.

*Learning to do things that as a formerly shy person I couldn't have ever imagined doing, such as (and I know it sounds silly) making business phone calls as well as interviewing others about their opinions and experiences on a variety of subjects. That was one of the great things about the recent trip; it gave me confidence and I really enjoyed the whole experience.

*Seeing my children grow and progress and bloom. I try to respect their privacy and don't discuss here the family dramas that are bound to happen in a family as large as ours filled with strong-willed, high-spirited people, but I do reserve the right to gush over them when occasion demands. Last Friday was one of those occasions: I watched my engineer student Ben defend his master's thesis. He was well-prepared, knew what he was talking about, and it was obvious from his master's committee that they understood what he was saying and signed the important 4 signatures on his project. I am so proud of him! This young man grew from an inquisitive little boy to a bored teen who wouldn't go to school and ended up passing his GED with flying colors at the end of his junior year of high school. As his dad and stepmother put it (who both deserve a huge pat on the back for helping him), they helped turn him from a long-haired dropout to a math and science nerd. At one time we despaired over him but he grew up, served an LDS mission to Australia, came home, married well, had 3 children, and worked hard during his 7 years of intense schooling. He and his wife are both excited and ready to move on to the next phase of their life, and I am so happy for them.

(The apple is symbolic of not just the miracle of nature, but of my recent trip.)

Lessons from 2009

I've been struggling with post-holiday blues (and a case of writer's block), but I'm finally feeling better. Reflecting on the past year helps me put things back in perspective. For us, 2009 was a year of new beginnings, with some important lessons learned.

Some highlights:

We became empty-nesters this year when our youngest daughter, Katie, married her long-time boyfriend, Kevin, in May. In October, we added another granddaughter, Kylee, to the family. Sailor son, Jeff, was deployed to the Persian Gulf in August. He will be finished with his Navy enlistment next month and will be home soon. Soldier Brian graduated from college and was commissioned an officer in the Army. His twin, Ben, finished up his Master's Degree, and applied the credits to start his phD in nuclear engineering. On the same day that Brian graduated, I also graduated after five years of schooling with a degree in Mass Communication. I loved the experience, but I'm glad to be done with the pressure of homework and finals.

We soon discovered that there were some things we enjoy about being empty-nesters. We like being able to take short trips by ourselves, and had fun going to southern Utah twice this year, as well as some fishing trips nearby. We had never lived together by ourselves because we both had three children when we married. Somewhat to our surprise, we find we are glad for the change.

David felt well enough to work on projects around the house for the first time in three years, including our roofing experience and working on his hot rod. We learned that in order for him to work on a project he needs to focus on one thing at a time. And when he starts to feel overwhelmed and confused, to sit down and rest for awhile. He had a few episodes of hypomania and worked all night on something, but he learned to force himself to take breaks and rest. In addition to the hot rod and the roof, he put in pavers for the parking strip and added a screened-porch that we enjoyed through the fall.

He had several bad bouts of depression and mania when he ran away from home, but we slowly have learned how to better cope with it. I'm learning to let him take responsibility for himself, and offer encouragement and support. I've also learned to leave him alone sometimes when he needs space. I was able to go home twice this year, once for my stepmother's funeral and then again at Christmas. It was so helpful to get away for a few days from the routine. And, for the most part, David did all right on his own.

One of the best things about this year has been keeping this blog about our adventure in bipolar land, and becoming acquainted with friends who offer understanding and support. It makes a big difference in how I cope with David's ongoing illness.

What will 2010 bring? Who knows? But I'm grateful for friends and family who bring such joy to my life and an abiding faith in a loving Heavenly Father who never fails to provide comfort and guidance when I need it.

I'm Done with School!!!

I just got back from my LAST class, took my LAST test, turned in my LAST paper! I don't know that it's really hit me yet that this journey of nearly six years is finally over, but I'm happy!

I've been thinking about the events in my life that have taken place since I started school, including: the births of 7 grandchildren, 2 high school graduates, 2 college graduates, 4 deployments, 2 weddings, 3 hospitalizations for David, plus his diagnosis of bipolar disorder, the passing of his dad from Alzheimers, and my job assignment change after 25 years of typesetting and production work.

I think that, even with the added stress of tests and papers, going to school helped keep me from losing my sense of identity through all these events. It also helped to be able to focus on each class, and then enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when they were finished.

What to do now that I'm done with the goal of getting my Bachelors degree? I'm not entirely sure, but I plan to do more with this blog, as well as put together family history stories and do some family history research. No doubt that my "extra" time (is there really such a thing?) will be filled with more family events (including 2 more expected grandbabies), some household tasks that I've put off doing, and if I'm really lucky, time to do some recreational reading and needlework. David and I have also discussed the option of going for a Masters degree, and while I would still like to do that, I think it'll be some time before I actually start to do it.

What I do know is that we are going to relax and play this weekend, even if it means dragging David camping. He's going through the pre-vacation anxiety, but we deserve some play time. I went to the university bookstore and had a really fun book-buying shopping spree (I can't resist books), and I found a small token graduation gift that I can hardly wait to give him.  

I'll post more about the last few weeks with David later, and when I figure out how to add pdf files, I'll add my final paper about the need for mental health education. I thought about posting it here in its entirety, but its 5 pages with a bunch of footnotes long, and I thought it might be overwhelming. It turned out to be an interesting and enlightening project.

On Becoming Empty-Nesters

I am only six weeks away from graduation—I just got the official information about the commencement services today. (I do have to take an online statistics class this summer, and then I'll really be done with this project.) So exciting!! The class has gone better than I really expected. I took another test on Tuesday, and should have a clearer picture tomorrow on how well I'm doing. I just keep repeating to myself: "Cs earn degrees."
We have also been busy with wedding plans. Our youngest, Katie, is getting married May 1, and we're now in full swing with preparations. Last weekend I went with Katie and Kevin (her fiance), and Krista while they took engagement photos. Krista did a great job with them. Here's one that was taken on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake at sunset:

David has been doing all right with the increase in his medicine, but lately the noise in his head is back, full force. We think that part of the problem is work-related stress. He works part-time for a janitorial company, and after his six-month medical leave, they finally put him back to work at a regular position that he shared with another man. Unfortunately, today we found out that the people where he was working wanted someone there full time, which he can't do, so he's back to only working nights with Katie and me. It all takes such a bad toll on his sense of self-worth when things like this happen. He's also nervous about this upcoming wedding, and what it will be like for us to be empty-nesters. I frankly am rather excited about the change, even though I'll miss having Katie at home. David, on the other hand, doesn't like change. He keeps saying, "what if we don't like each other?"
"We'll be fine," I tell him.
or "what are we doing to do without kids around?"
"Relax and enjoy ourselves," I say.
or "maybe we should take in a foster child."
"We've done that before, and I'm not even remotely interested," I said with great emphasis.
We're thinking of taking a real vacation, all by ourselves, over Memorial Day weekend. I can hardly wait!

Update: I didn't do well on the last test, so I picked myself up, dusted off my wounded pride, and tried again with homework assignment number 3. Only 1 more assignment and a test to go!
Wedding plans are continuing at a fast pace: invites are done, we had a bridal shower, now it's on to flowers and food, and finding me a dress.

Words vs. Numbers

I am taking a communications research and statistics class this semester. It's almost the last class I need to get my BA in Mass Communication. I delayed taking it until the end because I really am not good with numbers. (And how I ended up being in charge of family finances is beyond me!) I enjoyed the first part of the class on the theory of research in communication. In fact, I was feeling proud of myself because I got an A on the first test. But now we're heading into the actual math and statistics part of the class, and I'm nervous (actually, terrified is a better word). Which is why entries here may be sporadic until mid-May when I'll be done with this class.
It's interesting to me how genetics works: My grandfather graduated with honors for his masters degree in math from Berkeley during the 1920s. He also taught advanced math and science classes when he was the principal and school superintendent in his small Idaho town. I swear I was somewhere else in heaven when math genes were handed out, but they did end up with one of my sons. Ben is finishing up his masters degree in nuclear engineering and took most of the advanced math classes the university offers.
A few months ago we had a discussion on the relative merits of math and language:
"But math is so logical, Mom!" he said.
All I could say is, "It may be logical to you, son, but it's Greek to me."
When I countered that language is much easier to understand, he brought up all the exceptions to the rules in grammar. I couldn't argue the point.
What I struggle with is all the various formulas that have to be followed exactly in order to come up with the right answer.
We did agree that it's a good thing there are a wide variety of talents and personality types. Can you imagine a world filled only with mathematicians? Or for that matter, grammarians? or artists? or lawyers? or mechanics? or musicians?
David got the results of the blood tests he took last month. He's still low on lithium, so the Dr. increased the dosage. He also added depakote to help with the hallucinations. David is finally going from getting little sleep to having some sleep, and his moods are doing better.
He was a little stressed last weekend when he forgot to take his meds one night. He started obsessing (again) about my health, and what would he do if something happened to me. I would be flattered, except I know it's because he's more concerned about his own welfare than he is about my well-being. It is, however, a good reminder to get our financial house in order. That task is just simply going to have to wait until this math class is done. I can only deal with so much at once!