We Often Go Walking

We often go walking along the Jordan River trail. The trail is a favorite area for David to go when he is in a wandering mood, when he wants peace to think, and where our dogs like to run.

Last Sunday was sunny and warm, so we decided to take the dogs for a walk. Sunny, our 4-year-old poodle, and Riley, our 2-year-old German short-hair lab, sense a treat coming, and hold semi-still when David puts their leash on them.

David with Riley and Sunny at the golf course

The trail is not far from our home, but to get to it we have to walk along the fenceline of the community golf course. We take care to stay clear of the golfers who are also out enjoying the early spring weather. When we reach the trail, David lets the dogs run free. Sunny stays right by his side, but Riley races off to the river, jumps in, and chases his beloved ducks. The river is slow moving and muddy, but it's home to a large population of ducks, geese, beaver, and some trash fish. Riley also likes to sniff out and chase raccoons and squirrels (and, unfortunately on occasion, skunks) who live along the river bank.

The Jordan River

We enjoy watching Riley's antics, and David tells me about his adventures with the dogs on his previous trips. We walk together, sometimes talking quietly about little things, sometimes quiet with our own thoughts. One of the things I enjoy most about David are the comfortable silences between us.

Riley in the water

The first part of the trail is improved with asphalt and a new fence designed to keep golf balls off the trail. Then we get to the unimproved section. It gives us the feeling that we're out away from civilization, even though we are still close to the city. If we look east, we can see the city, but looking west, there is open land. It feels peaceful.

View of the city, looking southwest

We walk past a well-kept animal rescue sanctuary and David tells me about watching puppies play there. Sometimes he stops and chats with the workers, and they comment on how well behaved our dogs are. He tells me about other people he has met along the trail, including fishermen who sometimes offer him a drink and who visit with him.
We come to an abandoned junk yard filled with old broken bottles, a rusted-out washtub and old tires; I pick up a few old bottles to take home. He tells me about other times he has been there, and as he talks, I get a glimpse into his world when he goes wandering.

When we come to a rickety old bridge, he tells me about the time he tried to cross it when he was in one of his catatonic states. He shakes his head and says, "Sometimes it scares me to realize the danger I've been in, and I realize the Lord is watching over and protecting me." We are quiet for a few minutes, thinking about our blessings. He says he has found a secluded spot along the river that is his sanctuary when he's in one of his moods. He won't show it to me because he goes there when he doesn't want to be found. Maybe he will another day.

View from the end of the trail

We eventually come to the end of the trail where it meets up with another, newly-created path near a freeway. "Want to know how I get across the freeway?" he asks me. I shake my head, there are some things that I would really rather not think about.
Finding a grassy area, we lie down for a few minutes and watch the clouds go by. I reflect upon the stories David has told me, and I appreciate his trust in sharing his feelings and experiences with me. I know how important this river is to him, and I feel privileged that he let me see it through his eyes. It also makes me feel better to see where he goes when he's out walking.
We slowly make our way home, a little tired and footsore, but content.

On Becoming Empty-Nesters

I am only six weeks away from graduation—I just got the official information about the commencement services today. (I do have to take an online statistics class this summer, and then I'll really be done with this project.) So exciting!! The class has gone better than I really expected. I took another test on Tuesday, and should have a clearer picture tomorrow on how well I'm doing. I just keep repeating to myself: "Cs earn degrees."
We have also been busy with wedding plans. Our youngest, Katie, is getting married May 1, and we're now in full swing with preparations. Last weekend I went with Katie and Kevin (her fiance), and Krista while they took engagement photos. Krista did a great job with them. Here's one that was taken on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake at sunset:

David has been doing all right with the increase in his medicine, but lately the noise in his head is back, full force. We think that part of the problem is work-related stress. He works part-time for a janitorial company, and after his six-month medical leave, they finally put him back to work at a regular position that he shared with another man. Unfortunately, today we found out that the people where he was working wanted someone there full time, which he can't do, so he's back to only working nights with Katie and me. It all takes such a bad toll on his sense of self-worth when things like this happen. He's also nervous about this upcoming wedding, and what it will be like for us to be empty-nesters. I frankly am rather excited about the change, even though I'll miss having Katie at home. David, on the other hand, doesn't like change. He keeps saying, "what if we don't like each other?"
"We'll be fine," I tell him.
or "what are we doing to do without kids around?"
"Relax and enjoy ourselves," I say.
or "maybe we should take in a foster child."
"We've done that before, and I'm not even remotely interested," I said with great emphasis.
We're thinking of taking a real vacation, all by ourselves, over Memorial Day weekend. I can hardly wait!

Update: I didn't do well on the last test, so I picked myself up, dusted off my wounded pride, and tried again with homework assignment number 3. Only 1 more assignment and a test to go!
Wedding plans are continuing at a fast pace: invites are done, we had a bridal shower, now it's on to flowers and food, and finding me a dress.

Words vs. Numbers

I am taking a communications research and statistics class this semester. It's almost the last class I need to get my BA in Mass Communication. I delayed taking it until the end because I really am not good with numbers. (And how I ended up being in charge of family finances is beyond me!) I enjoyed the first part of the class on the theory of research in communication. In fact, I was feeling proud of myself because I got an A on the first test. But now we're heading into the actual math and statistics part of the class, and I'm nervous (actually, terrified is a better word). Which is why entries here may be sporadic until mid-May when I'll be done with this class.
It's interesting to me how genetics works: My grandfather graduated with honors for his masters degree in math from Berkeley during the 1920s. He also taught advanced math and science classes when he was the principal and school superintendent in his small Idaho town. I swear I was somewhere else in heaven when math genes were handed out, but they did end up with one of my sons. Ben is finishing up his masters degree in nuclear engineering and took most of the advanced math classes the university offers.
A few months ago we had a discussion on the relative merits of math and language:
"But math is so logical, Mom!" he said.
All I could say is, "It may be logical to you, son, but it's Greek to me."
When I countered that language is much easier to understand, he brought up all the exceptions to the rules in grammar. I couldn't argue the point.
What I struggle with is all the various formulas that have to be followed exactly in order to come up with the right answer.
We did agree that it's a good thing there are a wide variety of talents and personality types. Can you imagine a world filled only with mathematicians? Or for that matter, grammarians? or artists? or lawyers? or mechanics? or musicians?
David got the results of the blood tests he took last month. He's still low on lithium, so the Dr. increased the dosage. He also added depakote to help with the hallucinations. David is finally going from getting little sleep to having some sleep, and his moods are doing better.
He was a little stressed last weekend when he forgot to take his meds one night. He started obsessing (again) about my health, and what would he do if something happened to me. I would be flattered, except I know it's because he's more concerned about his own welfare than he is about my well-being. It is, however, a good reminder to get our financial house in order. That task is just simply going to have to wait until this math class is done. I can only deal with so much at once!

Time Management

One of the challenges that I struggle with is how to manage my time to get everything done that I would like. I work full time, have a small part-time evening job with David and our youngest daughter, go to school part-time to finish a degree, and try to take care of the house, the family budget, church assignments, etc. And that doesn't even count the other things that I want to do to take care of myself, or even do more research about mental health issues. It's easy to get overwhelmed, and I have to remind myself that I do not need to get every thing done at once, and that it's important to celebrate small successes. I like this reminder found in the Book of Mormon: "And see that all these things are done in wisdom and order; for it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength." (Mosiah 4:27.)
I read an article about procrastination several months ago, and posted this on my wall: "What's the best thing you could be working on, and why aren't you?"
Sometimes that "best thing" is relaxing and playing. During the last few weeks I have been focusing more on the tasks I need to do during the week, and then slowing the pace down during the weekend. We've been able to visit with our children and grandchildren who live nearby, as well as with our Sailor son and his wife when they came home last weekend.
We also make a point of attending our Sunday church meetings. David goes as often as his health allows, and I go regularly because I have found that it gives me the peace and strength I need for the coming week. I've noticed that his moods aren't as severe during the week when we have a calmer weekend schedule.
I really don't like time management systems; I am a Type B personality and would rather stop and smell the roses than be tied to a hard and fast schedule. For a long time I could hardly even look at a printed day planner, although now I can use one when I absolutely have to.
My first husband loved making schedules and lists, and at one point insisted that I record what I was doing every 15 minutes. It nearly drove me crazy. I had three very young children, and we were living in a small, married-student apartment. I was also struggling badly with post-partum depression, and didn't know what was wrong with me. On one particularly bad day I heard the song "Garden Party" by Rick Nelson. I love the song, and especially related to the line: "You see, you can't please everyone, so you've got to please yourself." I decided that I had had enough of schedules, and threw mine out. It was one of the best things I ever did for myself.
This was before the onslaught of time management systems and day planners. I understand why they are needed, but that doesn't mean that I like them.

The Joys of Grandparenting

We had two of our grandchildren (6-year-old Gabby and her 3-year-old brother Brad) spend the weekend with us. Such fun! We played Barbies and dress-up; David played "tiger" with Brad; we went shopping and bought them a dollar toy at a second-hand store and doughnuts at the grocery story; we made cookies, watched some movies, and read a few stories. We enjoyed their happy chatter, and the sound and energy of small ones running through the house. They were sweet and well behaved; it was just what we needed to bring sunlight into the winter doldrums we had been struggling with. Their tight "squeezes" and "I love yous" made our weekend.
It also reminded me of what attracted me to David in the first place: his way with young children. We met at a singles dance, and decided to meet the next day after work for cokes. I told him I had 3 children and had to pick them up from the daycare first. He said, "They're not brats are they?" I reassured him they were not.
The next day we met at a restaurant, and my 8-year-old twin boys, Ben and Brian, proceeded to tease their 6-year-old sister, Lara, to the point of tears. I ended up leaving him with the boys while I took my daughter kicking and screaming to the ladies room. When we left to go home, David asked me for my number, and I thought, "yeah, sure you'll call." I wouldn't have called me.
Two months later he was cleaning out his wallet, found my number, and on a whim, decided to call. After we laughed about our first "date," we ended up spending a lot of time together, alone and with the kids who hit it off from the start. Two months later we married and began life together as a blended family with Jonathan, Ben, Brian, Lara, Brittany, and Shannon (ages 10 to 4). Later we added Jeffrey and Katie. We also consider Krista, David's ex-wife's daughter, to be one of ours. They are the joy of my life and are worth every last grey hair, and "wrinkly eyes," as Gabby put it when she was making me a "princess."