A Healing Weekend

I hadn't intended on making this blog so personal, but then I realized that mental health is personal.

So, for background information: I am the 4th of 5 children, and grew up in a modest, loving home with nurturing parents. When my mother died from a stroke, I was a sheltered and shy 21-year-old. I married a few months later (without taking the time to grieve), and then had twin boys within a year. Three years later I had a daughter, and then struggled for several years with postpartum depression complicated by unresolved grief, whiplash from an accident, and a marriage that was difficult. I eventually recovered, but I still feel the effects of it on occasion, and I understand how painful depression is.

Nearly 5 years after my mom died my dad married Kathy, who was not evenly remotely like my mother. They were married for almost 28 years when she passed away last week. Kathy, for whatever reason, was not very willing to share Dad (or her family) with my siblings and me. There has been a fair amount of pain and other complicated emotions involved in my relationship with her; mostly dealing with the feeling of rejection. I was more than a little nervous about attending her funeral because I wasn't sure what to expect.

I went to Boise with my brother and sister-in-law and met up with our extended family. We were so happy to be all together again for the first time in more than 8 years. It was heavenly. We hadn't had a comfortable place to gather for all those years since my mother's death until my brother built his new house in McCall 3 years ago. The realization that we can get together more often means a great deal to me, and I am terribly excited about the possibility of getting to spend Christmas with them, which would be the first time for me since I was a college kid in 1975. 

Kathy had been a big part of the performing arts in the area, and the service was a very nice combination of musical concert wrapped in a religious ceremony. One of her sons delivered the eulogy and made special mention of my dad; I felt the healing begin. At the reception afterward, her friends and family were warm and welcoming and went out of their way to tell me about how wonderful my father is. I could see that he is well-respected and loved, and that also helps me heal. I came home with a great sense of well-being and peace.

I still have some work to do in letting go of negative emotions related to her, but I am hopeful about it. I learned a long time ago, when I was dealing with my first husband and that divorce, how important it is to forgive. I made the mistake of burying my hurt and anger, and it came back several years later with a vengeance. I discovered that forgiveness is a process of being willing to examine hurtful memories, analyze them, then let them go. The trick is to not dwell on them too long, although sometimes that's easier said than done. It is not necessarily a quick fix, but eventually the hurt eases, and it feels so good to be free of the pain.

David and I both felt that he should stay home this time and go to his family's reunion with his mother and several of our children. He ended up having a good time, and had a long heart-to-heart talk with one of his cousins whose wife committed suicide after a long bout of depression. David came through his weekend alone quite well, although on one of his late-night walks Sunny the poodle got skunked. Guess who ended up giving him a bath? It's reassuring to know that I can be gone on occasion, and he'll be (relatively) all right.

On the Run!

We had a good time camping last weekend. I will post the story and photos later. We are on the run this week; my dad's wife, Kathy, passed away, and we are on the way to the funeral. I'm a little nervous about it, but I'm hoping David will stay calm and focused until after we are home again.

David came through his pre-trip anxiety all right, but it takes away a lot of the pleasure in planning a road trip. I hear at least 3 times that it isn't a good idea to go, that we should stay home, that it's too far away, that he has a bad feeling about it. I've learned to stay calm and focused, and keep packing and preparing for the trip. If I lose my cool, he gets even worse. 

I'm Done with School!!!

I just got back from my LAST class, took my LAST test, turned in my LAST paper! I don't know that it's really hit me yet that this journey of nearly six years is finally over, but I'm happy!

I've been thinking about the events in my life that have taken place since I started school, including: the births of 7 grandchildren, 2 high school graduates, 2 college graduates, 4 deployments, 2 weddings, 3 hospitalizations for David, plus his diagnosis of bipolar disorder, the passing of his dad from Alzheimers, and my job assignment change after 25 years of typesetting and production work.

I think that, even with the added stress of tests and papers, going to school helped keep me from losing my sense of identity through all these events. It also helped to be able to focus on each class, and then enjoy the feeling of accomplishment when they were finished.

What to do now that I'm done with the goal of getting my Bachelors degree? I'm not entirely sure, but I plan to do more with this blog, as well as put together family history stories and do some family history research. No doubt that my "extra" time (is there really such a thing?) will be filled with more family events (including 2 more expected grandbabies), some household tasks that I've put off doing, and if I'm really lucky, time to do some recreational reading and needlework. David and I have also discussed the option of going for a Masters degree, and while I would still like to do that, I think it'll be some time before I actually start to do it.

What I do know is that we are going to relax and play this weekend, even if it means dragging David camping. He's going through the pre-vacation anxiety, but we deserve some play time. I went to the university bookstore and had a really fun book-buying shopping spree (I can't resist books), and I found a small token graduation gift that I can hardly wait to give him.  

I'll post more about the last few weeks with David later, and when I figure out how to add pdf files, I'll add my final paper about the need for mental health education. I thought about posting it here in its entirety, but its 5 pages with a bunch of footnotes long, and I thought it might be overwhelming. It turned out to be an interesting and enlightening project.

Journal Entries

Jeff left this morning for his deployment aboard the Nimitz. It's going to be a long six months until he's home again! And Soldier Brian leaves today for Ft. Lee Virginia and the last of his Army officer training. He will be done in October.

Sometimes I go post journal entries about my military kids at a site for military parents. When David was diagnosed with his disorder two years ago I added some thoughts about what he was going through. When I updated my journal this morning, I decided to add some of those entries here. It certainly has been a wild ride.

At the moment I'm busy working on my LAST paper (due next week), and dealing with David's mixed episodes that have been fairly intense, but he's slowly doing better.

Sep 22, 2007
I had intended to keep this journal just for the military kids, but I think that on occasion I'm going to talk about David and the battle we are in for his mental health. I find that I'm responding to this much as I do when my boys are deployed—disbelief, grief, worry, small joys, the need to find out everything I can about it, etc. It feels like another type of roller coaster ride.

I went with him to the Dr. again on Tuesday after a bad weekend and my b-day, and after the Dr. consulted with the clinic psychiatrist, he left some meds for David at the reception desk. After 1 1/2 days of dragging his feet, and several discussions about why he needs them, he picked them up!! I know it's a little thing, but I'm DELIGHTED! I just hope he'll take them, and they'll help. He goes back to the Dr. in 2 weeks for a consultation, and we'll see what happens then. I went to my bishop and he gave me some needed counsel and comfort, and I managed to survive a magazine class writing assignment and mass comm law test, so life is looking better today.

Jeff called Monday, just as they were leaving Hawaii for the trip home! He sounded happy, and he and Jon were having a good time together. (They were on the last leg of a deployment, and the "Tiger Cruise" is when a family member can join the ship in Hawaii for the trip to San Diego.) The captain left one of his much-appreciated recorded messages about leaving Hawaii as a full rainbow appeared over Diamond Head, and a list of some of the activities they have planned for the trip home. I can hardly wait to see my boys again!

Oct. 20, 2007
David and I went to the psychiatrist on Wednesday, and he was diagnosed with bipolar type 1 disorder and ADHD. That means that he has the type with extreme mood swings happening often (like every day). He's coming to terms with this illness, and is taking some meds that are really helping so far. He also likes the dr., and has been talking to me a lot about what's going on in his mind, and the bishop gave him a blessing, which helps. I'm truly grateful for all the help and understanding from our congregation members who know about this. I've been collecting info about this disorder, and in the near future (when I can figure out how to coordinate schedules) we're going to have a family meeting about what's going on with their dad, and how they can help. Jon has been an absolute angel about spending time with his dad and checking up on him regularly. It's a real comfort to have him only 5 minute away from us.

My job has also been extra stressful with preparing talks given by Church leaders 2 weeks ago for publication. As stressful as it is, though, there's a lot of comfort found in the messages. Said one leader: "It is our faith in Jesus Christ that sustains us at the crossroads of life’s journey. It is the first principle of the gospel. Without it we will spin our wheels at the intersection, spending our precious time but getting nowhere. It is Christ who offers the invitation to follow Him, to give Him our burden, and to carry His yoke, “for [His] yoke is easy, and [His] burden is light” (Matthew 11:30)."

March 5, 2008
David got his disability approved today!! I can't even express how REALLY excited I am! This means that because David has a mental illness, I'm legally in charge of the money and can use it to pay bills—we can even meet our obligations. It's a long story about why I'm so thrilled, but it's a huge relief. He's been struggling badly with anxiety and depression with worrying about the family finances (if he only knew . . . that's one of the hard things about having a spouse with a mental illness. There are some similarities to being a single parent, especially where money is concerned, and I hate that), and Katie's 18th birthday. He went into deep mourning about it because she's his baby girl and he's having a hard time with the idea of her growing up and leaving home before too long. I'm hoping that with at least one thing taken care of he'll calm down a bit. I personally rather enjoy the idea. The 2 dogs and the cat make up for the lack of children at home and keep us entertained.

April 30, 2008
David is hanging in there, but he isn't taking his meds right now, and I'm a little anxious about how long it'll be before he crashes again. Brittany suggested I grind his meds and put them in his drink. (Seriously tempting idea!) I've decided it's similar to raising another teen; he's going to have to take responsibility for his condition and deal with the consequences.

June 30, 2008
It has been a crazy month. Lara came home for a visit from Oaxaca, Mexico. I'm so happy to see her again after 3 long years since they moved there. Katie graduated from high school (our last, and it's so nice to be done with public schools after 25 years!)

We had a party at Jon's house, but David wasn't feeling well, so he stayed home. When we got back, we discovered that he had been throwing up blood, and he FINALLY agreed to go to the hospital. At the same time, Riley cut himself on something outside, was bleeding, and needed help. Lara took charge of Riley, and while David was getting ready to go to the hospital I called Wes (our son-in-law) and Ben, who were still at Jon's house to come give David a priesthood blessing. No sooner were they done, when David threw up more blood and collapsed! Ben called 911, and Wes performed first-aid for shock (that military training really came in handy). Lara and Brittany went to the store to get first-aid supplies for the dog, and when they got back, the ambulance was there.

It turned out that David had a bleeding ulcer, ended up in intensive care for the night. They ended up having to do emergency surgery, and his psychiatrist came in the next day and adjusted his meds to a coated lithium. He recovered without complications, but he's awfully weak still.

 Jeff and Nikki came home, and we had a small reception for them. It turned out to be a nice event. Now it's vacation time: to Idaho to see my family and go rafting on the Salmon River!

August 26, 2008
It's 1:30 a.m., and I really should be asleep, but we just heard about David's dad's passing. He and Jonathan are with his mother, and it's very fitting that they should be together, but I can't sleep, and thought I'd unwind a bit by writing. We will miss Grandpa, but I know this must be a relief for him, and I don't doubt that he's having a grand reunion with his 2 children and other loved ones who have gone before him. I feel really sorry for his brother---he lost his only sister in May, and now in 2 days time, both his only brother and one of his grandchildren. David is handling this about as well as can be expected. He's been doing much better with his moods ever since he had that bleeding ulcer and Ben and Wes gave him a blessing of health. He still has bouts of depression and anxiety, but he's learning how to handle it better, and I'm grateful. His stomach is still giving him problems, but he's resisting going to the doctor---just like a man!

Sat. Oct. 4, 2008
We've survived the last month all right. It was one of those times in life when you wonder how you'll get through everything, and breathe a huge sigh of relief when things finally calm down. David ended up in the hospital with viral meningitis the same weekend as his dad's funeral. Unfortunately, the meds and the meningitis didn't play well with the bipolar, and it was really tense (with another "wandering" episode) before we realized that the narcotics he was on for the meningitis pain was causing hallucinations. He simply cannot have that kind of medicine any more. He's finally doing better, and as he says, he'll never be "normal," he's at least back to where he was emotionally. The change in weather is always hard for him, but he's pretty good about taking his meds.

The funeral was a bittersweet experience. Lara left for Mexico the week before, so she couldn't be here, but both Jeff and Brian were able to come. In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I wasn't at my best. We planned the funeral Tuesday, and it was an all day episode. I kept saying that I'd call the boys when we were home (because I left my address book at home, and couldn't remember their numbers), but we got home later than expected, so I left a message for Ben to call Brian, and I made a 2 minute call to Jeff (we had to go to our night job, and I was in a hurry). He ended up texting Brian about getting emergency leave. Poor Brian! He told me later that was the absolute worst way to hear about a death in the family. It WAS good to have them here for the weekend. They both look wonderful, and it was so nice to have them home.

My only excuse was that I was under extreme stress with the funeral, and David's illness. In addition to that, school started the same week! I ended up only taking the blogging class (very fun), and I'll take the last one in the spring. I also had to move out of my office to the secretary's desk. Very, very upsetting! I'm finally settling down again. I've learned that during high-stress times that after I stop whining (and I do spend more time whining than I probably should), if I will focus on what I can do, and leave the rest up to God, I can survive and learn from the experience. I do like my job at the teen magazine, and the people I work with are amazing. I'm looking forward to my trip to Ottawa, Canada, in another 2 weeks. We've been working hard at improving the magazine's website at www.newera.lds.org.

Family History

I read a lecture by David McCullough about the importance of history to our society. He says, "History is filled with voices that reach out and lift the spirits, sometimes from the distance of centuries." I think that is one of the reasons why I find history so fascinating. I am looking forward to reading his books now that I, theoretically anyway, should have more time when I'm done with school. I know, famous last words, but one can always hope!

When I was going through my divorce, I came across the journal that my great-grandmother kept during the 1930s. She describes her day-to-day life on the plains of Canada, as well as some of her childhood memories. Her story helped me understand that life keeps going on, even when it feels like things will never get any better. Her story gave me courage to carry on during difficult times. In addition to her story, I have collected a number of other treasured family stories over the years that help me to understand myself better. My goal is to put them in a form that my children and grandchildren will want to read. It will probably take me years to finish, but if these stories lie unread in the bottom of a drawer, then what good are they? My hope is that they will help others along the way. I did finish Grandma Zerelda's story for a class project when I first started at the U.

David's grandma Zerelda and I hit it off immediately when we met. I love history, especially family history, and she was delighted to tell me about her childhood in person and sent me long letters filled with fascinating detail about life in the early 20th century. One of the reasons that I was interested in David's family history was to try to understand his background, hoping it would give me a clue to his moods. Sure enough, Grandma Zerelda described her father: "My first recollections of life were while living with Grandpa and Grandma Garner, Mother’s parents. My dad wouldn’t have me. Boys were all he wanted and was angry about each girl that joined the family. It seemed he was either angry or overly happy; no in-between. This was heard many times; relatives or visitors would discuss the story. Some way, no satisfactory answer was to be mine, although this has been pondered many, many times. I was with my grandparents until age 11, when my baby sister was expected while they were living at Caliente, Nevada."

It seems to me that there are more questions about the nature of mental illness than there are answers. Some believe it to be a genetic tendency; others do not. More research needs to be done before we really understand all there is to know on the subject, but in David's case anyway, I really believe it is a genetic tendency, and her history helps me understand him better.