Reconnecting with My Mother

Mothers Day is always a bittersweet day for me, with tender memories of my mother coming to the surface. This year my sister's comment about our mom's hamburger patties that resembled "hockey pucks" brought back happy memories of long-forgotten family dinners and made me laugh. For some reason, none of her daughters can cook decent hamburger patties, either. We think it's genetic.

My mother died unexpectedly of a stroke when she was 53 years old and just starting to experience an empty nest. I was 21, engaged to be married, and figuring out my life away from her. Although deeply saddened by the loss, I didn’t take much time to mourn, and went on with my activities, including marriage a few months later. I became a mother myself within a year of her passing.

My daughter was born on the third anniversary of her death, and oh, how I wanted my mother then! I slipped into post-partum depression, complicated by unresolved grief and other factors. I eventually recovered from the depression but was not able to talk much about her for another 15 years.

The years flew by filled with life’s unexpected twists and turns and the joys and sorrows of raising children. Often, when perplexed by my children’s behavior, I pondered the question, “What would Mom do or say?” I tried to follow her example in raising my children and missed not having her here to enjoy her grandchildren. She would be so proud of them!

Then I found some long-forgotten letters that she wrote to me when I was in college. When I held the creased letters with fading ink, written in my mother’s familiar, difficult-to-decipher writing, I felt warmed by memories of a home long gone. I pictured her sitting at a table, writing letters on whatever paper was available. I could even hear her voice in my mind. I read them through and enjoyed remembering the carefree, exciting time when I first left home.

I am now a few years older than she was when she wrote them, but I face some of the same challenges. Even though I want my children to progress, sometimes it's difficult seeing them move in different directions. She also had trouble dealing with an emptying nest: “We missed you on Thanksgiving. It’s the first Thanksgiving you have not been home. It’s hard to see the family pulling apart; not being able to spend holidays together. I hope you won’t get too homesick.”

There’s something about the motherhood role that makes us want to give advice to our children, and she was no exception. I appreciate now her gentle reminders, and her wish to have me at home with her:

“Please take care of yourself and don’t get run down. Get plenty of rest.”

“Be sure to budget the money you earn so that you will have enough to pay your bills at the end of the month. It is so easy to spend as you make it.”

“When will you be coming home? I did 14 pints of peaches for you, and froze 20 pints for us. Otherwise, life is dull, but we keep busy.”

All through the letters are expressions of love and confidence: “We are all looking forward to your summer at home as we love you and miss you very much. I’m so glad you enjoy your school and have learned so much about being independent, and taking care of yourself. We are proud of you.”

She frequently asked about the well-being of my roommates and friends, and her spirit shines through in this warm welcome to a friend:

“It was so good to talk with you again. We get lonely, but that is okay; then we appreciate everyone more. Your friend is welcome for Thanksgiving. We’ll borrow some cots from the neighbors so no one need sleep on the floor.”

Some of my favorite letters are descriptions of what she saw around her: “February 2. We have had two weeks of beautiful sunshine. Every weekend we have noisy snowmobiles running up and down the lake in front of our house. So we have driven to Riggins (on the Salmon River) for the last two Saturdays. Mild and warm down there; buttercups out all over the place.”

She also liked following current events, and one of the last letters she wrote was on Election Day 1976, just two months before she died: “Did you vote today? By the time you get this all the hullabaloo will be over, and we will settle down into what? Who knows?”

Finding these letters was better than finding treasure. I miss my mother and probably always will, but now I feel reconnected to her. I am healed.

Musings on My Son's Deployment

During the past eight years, I have often had a computer screensaver filled with pictures of soldiers, sailors, ships, and helicopters. I also have a growing collection of military pins, stickers, hats, and shirts. I have been known to tell complete strangers about my children’s service. I am a military mother. Three of our eight children left home within a few years of each other. Jonathan chose to join the Marines, Brian served a mission, then joined the Army, and Ben worked full-time before his mission and schooling. Later, one of our sons-in-law, Wes, served in the Army, and our youngest son, Jeff, chose the Navy.

I am proud of my sons who serve in the military, even though deployments are so very stressful for all involved. When our sons have been deployed I sometimes feel alone in my concern about their safety, and I don't fully relax until they come home. During those times, prayer becomes a lifeline, as does Sunday meeting and temple attendance, along with reading the scriptures. I often feel great peace and reassurance when I need it, and I know the Lord is aware of what is happening and that He is in charge. I am so grateful for an understanding of the eternal nature of families, and the realization that life continues beyond this time on earth.

We also have supportive friends, family, and ward members who prop us up when we need it. They love our boys, and we appreciate their kind words and all the prayers offered in behalf of those serving in the military. Those prayers, including those offered in the temple, are important, and we know they are being answered. Halfway through Brian’s second deployment I found an online support group for military parents. It has been a great blessing to discuss feelings and share information with other military parents.

I hadn’t anticipated my children choosing to serve in the military, but we have watched them grow and gain strength and confidence in their abilities. We are proud of them and those they serve with. When I heard the news about bin Laden's death this morning I felt relief that an evil man who caused so much suffering has been removed, thought of those who have lost their lives because of his teachings and actions, pride in those serving in the military who sacrifice so much for us, followed by concern for the well-being of those who are serving in harm's way.

How to Support to Military Parents and Other Family Members:
• Do not tell us to get over it when they’re away, or give us a look of horror (or sympathy) when we tell you that our children have joined the military. Serving in the military is an honorable occupation. Many of them come through the experience as stronger people who are able to reach out and help others.
• Offer a listening ear and an open heart. One of my friends put it this way, “Even when time has passed, and he/she has been gone for a while, don’t think that Mom and Dad have stopped worrying. They have not.” Please ask us about our loved ones who are serving in the military, and be willing to listen without judgement even when we go into great detail.
• Offer to write to our children.

How to Support Those Serving in the Military:
• Military training and service are very demanding. Tell them how proud you are of them and their willingness to serve. Even if you don’t agree with their decision, they need to know that they are loved and supported.
• Soldiers need and want letters and care packages. E-mails and phone calls are appreciated, but they are also fleeting. The father of a soldier says, “My son told me that letters weigh next to nothing, and if he got lonely he would take out a letter to calm himself.” Sadly, some don’t receive any mail. Consider finding a serviceman or woman who needs support and write to them.
• Pray for them.
• When you see a serviceman or woman express your gratitude.

Update on the family: We welcomed a new grandson, Carson, on the 27th of April; it would have been my mother's 88th birthday.

David has had a lot of depression this winter and spring, along with some bouts of mania, but the meds do a good job at keeping him reasonably level. I'm grateful for that, but sometimes I feel that he's leveled out in keeping the disorder under control. And there certainly are days when it can be difficult to be with him. I'm glad the days are starting to warm up, which means he can get out of the house more often and work on his projects.

Easter Thoughts

I was happy to see these orchids bloom after a long winter. My son Jeff and his wife gave them to me last year for Mother's Day. I wondered if they would flower again, but sure enough, with the coming of spring, they did.

I love seeing new life come in the spring; something that never fails to delight and amaze me. Sometimes, in the dead of winter, I wonder if the days will ever warm up again, or if the trees and flowers will ever blossom again. But they always do.

And so it is with life. Sometimes, in spite of best efforts, life can seem dark and dreary, but always there is light at the end of the tunnel. I had one of "those dark days" yesterday when I questioned everything about my life. But today the sun is shining and I can see more clearly. It helped that I was able to enjoy a long lunch with longtime friends; the conversations and their encouragement helped put my life back in perspective again.

Some of my favorite verses are found in the book of John, and I am touched by Jesus' words to his Apostles on the eve of His crucifixion:

"But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."
KJV, John 14:26–27

On the family front: Solder Brian deployed in April, and son-in-law Wes is working on Warrant Officer training in Georgia. We are proud of them and their service. It's at times like this that I appreciate words of comfort found in the scriptures. Joshua 1:9 reminds me that they are in God's care. I also find comfort in listening to hymns. This one, Our Savior's Love, helps when I start to worry: "Our Savior's love Shines like the sun with perfect light,/As from above, It breaks thru clouds of strife./Lighting our way, It leads us back into his sight,/Where we may stay To share eternal life."

Women's Month

I noticed that March is designated as Womens Month. It seems appropriate, since that is also the month of the founding of the Relief Society, the women's organization in the Church that focuses on serving others. It made me think about the women who have been influential in my life: friends, coworkers, leaders, teachers, aunts, cousins, sisters, sisters-in-law, my mothers-in-law and grandmothers-in-law. All have enriched and blessed my life. I am thankful for them.

So much could (and probably should) be written about them, but lately I've been thinking of the women in my family who came before me. I am fortunate to have a number of their stories and journals, and have learned much from them; not only about their lives, but also about how to manage the challenges that come from living. I also learn more about who I am from reading about their experiences.

Kitty lived on the plains of Canada during the Great Depression and kept a daily log of what she was doing. When I was going through my divorce and dealing with being a single mother, my dad gave me a copy of his paternal grandmother's daily log. I loved reading about her day-to-day life in a time and place that is so different from my own. I also found great comfort in realizing that seasons come and seasons go, even during times of great difficulty. One of my favorite entries is her description of going to her daughter-in-law's funeral in 1935. She writes: "Montana and North Dakota, these are the landmarks I saw: fire brakes, gravel pits, wind mills, russian thistles, small buildings, sick-looking trees, alkali ponds. Poor fields and late grain--many hardships I am sure. Many barbwire fences, very poor feed for many miles. Barren and drifting soil, wide open spaces. Lilac time--3 shades white, pink & lavender (lovely). Rode all night of the 6th of June, and all day the 7th."


Clara grew up in the Boston area, raised by her aunt after her mother died in childbirth. She came west to join her older sister when she was a young lady, and eventually married and raised her family. I don't have any of her written words, but from my dad I know she attended Washington State University as one of the first female students and firmly believed in being actively involved in community life.

Clara's daughter, Margery, was my paternal grandmother. Sadly, she died when my father was still a young boy. I do, however, have a diary she kept for several months that gives me a glimpse into her life and reveals her personality. I love this description of a walk: "April 15, 1932: Made a hurry-up trip to town, went to Burtenshaw's and, after school, for a walk to the park and back, picking flowers."

Margery's 1932 diary

I recently found the obituary of Hester, one of my great-great-grandmothers, and was excited to learn more about her. She was from Indiana, and with her husband and children gradually moved west, settling in the Wallowa area of Oregon when it was in its pioneer period.

All of these women suffered from loss, and disappointment, and hard times, but they also believed in hard work and perseverance. Kitty, Clara, Margery, and Hester came through their challenges with flying colors and it gives me the courage to keep trying.

On the family front: My oldest brother, Mike, and his wife are living and teaching in Tokyo, Japan. They came through the earthquake all right. But, like the rest of the world, our hearts are saddened by the tragedy.

Cub Scout Adventures

At the beginning of the year I was asked to help with the cub scout program in my ward. We live in an older neighborhood, and right now we only have 2 boys in the program. They are delightful, and I am enjoying this assignment. We started out with a pinewood derby, and since we have so few boys, there wasn't a lot of competition, but they and their younger siblings and dads had fun racing their cars.

Pinewood Derby

At the fire station

Then, a few weeks ago, we visited a local fire station. Fireman Gary showed us around the station,  taught us the difference between fire trucks and engines (engines have water tanks), showed us his gear, let the boys try them on, and talked about fire prevention. Just as he finished putting his gear away, they received an emergency call and had to leave. The boys watched with wide eyes as the firefighters sprang into action, and left the station with sirens blaring. It was a good reminder about how important it is to be prepared for emergencies.
Fireman Gary also talked at some length about working together with other firefighters and fire stations to put out fires. As he put it, "we can't put out a fire alone. We work as a team to control fires and to help those who need help." And so it is with mental health issues. We have learned how important it is to work with each other and the doctors to control David's illness. It's important to have a mental health team to maintain mental health.


Update on the family: We've been happy that David hasn't had a serious psychotic episode this winter, but he has had his share of ups and downs. Right now he is working through a mixed episode, likely triggered by worrying about money and my health (I've been fighting a nasty sinus infection for the last several weeks).
His doctor prescribed Perphenazine toward the end of January. An anti-psychotic drug, it seems to be doing its job. David says his dreams and moods aren't as dark since he's been using it, and he's sleeping better. However, as with most medicines, it also has possible side effects, which is why it is so important that he keep seeing his dr. and having his blood checked.
Soldier Brian and his family welcomed their new baby, Henry this week. We also had grandchildren Brad and Gabby spend a weekend with us, and had fun taking them on a walk along the river, and having some neighbor children over. Our house felt alive again with the noise of children laughing and running around. I find that we are more patient with the grandchildren than we were with their parents. I suppose because we don't have the day-to-day responsibility for them, but also because we're aware of how fast children grow up, and this time with them is precious.