fishing trip

Last week was a rough one. David went through another bout of rapid cycling mixed episodes, and I had round two of sinus and ear infections. Because of his mood cycle he was not very understanding when I stayed home in bed for three days; it really aggravated his anxiety and paranoia. Then on Saturday, just when I was about to throw in the towel, his mood suddenly shifted back to normal. That's one of the things about having a bipolar spouse that I find most challenging: keeping up with his mood swings. He went from Mr. Nasty to David at his best in about 1/2 hour. When I asked him why the change in attitude, he just shrugged and said, "that's how my moods operate." It's pointless to stay angry at him because he doesn't remember half of what he said that was so hurtful. But trying to adjust my mood from being angry back to being "normal" is sometimes draining. I finally let go of being angry, bit my tongue, and asked him what he would like to do for Father's Day weekend.

"Go fishing," he said.

So we did a hasty packing job, loaded up the dogs, and went to his favorite fishing hole. It was just what we both needed. Lost Creek reservoir is at the top of a remote canyon and has been limited to day fishing only. It used to be open to camping and waterskiiing, but 10 years ago it was closed and strengthened for earthquakes. Before they closed it, we spent many weekends there camping overnight with our children when they were young. Now with just small fishing boats allowed on the lake, it has become a serene spot. David had a good time fishing, and I read and knitted and napped to my heart's content.

David ended up catching two 18-inch fish. It made his day. I refuse to do anything with fish, so he cleaned them and cooked them. They were tasty.

The dogs, Lucy and Sunny, also had a great time running around and exploring the area where we were camped. There weren't many people around, so they had the run of the place. When we came home, Lucy refused to get out of the car for over an hour. Here she is looking woe-be-gone.

I'm on the mend, thanks to a heavy-duty dose of antibiotics, and David, while his mood is still fluctuating, is doing much better. I had planned on painting my room, but it is still there, waiting to be painted this coming weekend. I think it comes down to being willing to roll with his moods and being flexible about getting my projects done. Frustrating? Oh yes. But I have to look at the bigger picture, which is helping David to keep as level as possible. It was a good choice to go fishing.

Work Projects and Change

I planted some flowers and herbs last week. I am no gardening expert, but I enjoyed doing it and they have added nice color to our front yard. Next year I plan on doing more gardening, but this is a good step in the right direction.

I also starting preparing my room for a new paint job. Here is a "before" picture. The room has been home for the past 23 years to our daughters as they went from little girls to young women to leaving home and starting their own families. Katie had this room last. She insisted on painting it bright pink and had lots of Tinkerbell drawings on the wall. It fit her. When I took down all the pictures I felt terribly sentimental about her and her sisters. But I decided it would not be healthy to keep it as a shrine to them. I felt similarly when we turned our boys' old room into a pantry off the kitchen. We left it alone for 2 years until Jeff got married, then made the change. Even though it was hard to deconstruct their rooms, we are glad we did it.

And so it is with life. Changes come whether we want them to or not. The trick is to learn to make the most of what comes along. I enjoyed (for the most part) watching my children grow up in these rooms: their good times and bad, their play times, their learning experiences, their laughter and their tears. I miss my babies. But I also delight in the good things they are doing with their lives. With this new stage of being empty-nesters, I like the (relative) quiet, and the chance to do some things around the house that I never had time for before.

Memorial Day Trip, 2010

David heard about some ancient Indian ruins in southeast Utah and was anxious to go see them this spring. The trip down was rough because he has such a hard time leaving his comfort zone. Once we found a campsite in a great central location, set it up, and took a nap he was fine.

One of the fun things about this trip was coming across other people who were also exploring the area and who were excited to tell us about what they had found. One acquaintance was a geologist who had worked in the area 30 years ago as a student helping to map out the ruins. He told us that there are ruins in almost all of the nearby canyons and that a good many are not on maps. He was right; and we had a lot of fun finding some of them:

We also went to Moon House ruins. The site is spectacular:

Sidenote: The hike to the ruins is not for the faint-of-heart, however. To get to it you have to climb down one side of the canyon and then climb back up the other side to get to the ruins. It was well worth seeing, but to be honest, on the way back I kept saying to myself, "I'm not doing this again!"

We were awestruck by the sites and the people who built them, and we wondered what their lives were like. Some of the rooms were incredibly small; probably grain storage. And some of the rooms were larger and could comfortably accommodate several people. I have to admit, though, that I felt increasingly more grateful for modern conveniences of running water, electricity, soft beds, and modern medicine as the weekend went on.

David forgot to pack his lithium, so we were extra diligent to make sure that he stayed calm and relaxed. I did bring his zyprexa, and had him take some the night before we came home so that he would stay calm for the drive back. He came through it really very well, and the post-vacation blues have been manageable.

Another problem were little stinging gnats that were out in full force; they must have just hatched. I came home grateful for the pleasures of hot epson salt baths, antihistamines, and anti-itch medicine. I have also been marveling at how quickly the skin will repair itself after so many bites. It will only be a few more days before I'm willing to expose others to the sight of my legs. A note: Do NOT hike in shorts and shortsleeves!

And this weekend I am looking forward to planting a flower garden and preparing my bedroom for painting. I had hoped to plant a vegetable garden, but realistically I won't be able to with all the painting I plan on doing.

I truly am grateful to be living in this day and age, and marvel at those who lived so long ago.

Have I mentioned how much I love desert flowers in the spring?

Of Blogs and Forums

A little over four years ago Soldier Brian was serving his second deployment to Iraq and Sailor Jeff was just starting Navy basic training. I was, to say the least, a basket case. At the time, I only had a nodding acquaintance with the Internet. Then one day in a desperate attempt to connect with other military parents who were going through the same wild ride of emotions I stumbled across "Army Mom in Training." I was welcomed into the group with warmth and understanding; they became a lifesaver for getting through those rough days. That's one of the benefits of the Internet; connecting with others in similar circumstances and finding help and strength from people we would otherwise never meet.

Then, when David was diagnosed with bipolar 1, I searched the Internet for others going through similar experiences. I didn't find many blogs from the perspective of bipolar spouses, but since then I have come across several new blogs and forums on the subject:
*Bipolar in the Family"

Some of the blogs on my blog roll offer helpful insight about mental illness:
*Coming Out Crazy
*If You're Going through Hell
*Falling Forward
*Depression Getaway
*Beacon of Hope
*The Long War.

And some I include because I enjoy their writing and photography:
*Aimee
*Sweet Juniper
*Letting Go.
*Pioneer Woman
*Heading East

I went to a seminar today at work about reaching out to others in the digital world. I thought about the blogs and forums that I have come across in the last four years, and feel blessed and strengthened by them. In the end, that's the real strength of the Internet: finding the human connection in the technology.

On the Family front: I am finally recovering from my yearly sinus infection. This time around I had an ear infection for extra fun. David tried hard to be supportive, but it really bothers him when I am sick. In the past he has been really miserable to deal with, and I'm grateful that he tries to be more understanding. This time my favorite comment from him was "you need to go back to work; you're upsetting my routine!" It could have been worse, but his attitude makes it that much harder to recover. We are also planning our Memorial Day trip to southeastern Utah, and he is in the middle of pre-trip anxiety. I have to keep reminding him and me that he'll be fine once we are on the road.

The Seattle Trip Report and Thoughts on Perseverance

Last weekend was one to savor for a long time to come! We started out going to the Oquirrh Mtn. Temple for our daughter and her family's sealing. A very sweet experience to witness along with a number of family members.

Then we were off to Seattle for a four-day visit with Soldier Brian and his family. I had originally planned to take David with me (see Looking at the Past and Going Forward), but when I told him about it five days before the trip, he backed out. He felt that it was too far out of his comfort zone because we were going to do some sight-seeing and visit with people he didn't know, and he was afraid he'd have a major anxiety attack. I appreciate him expressing his fears and being in tune with his emotional issues. Then he suggested we give his ticket to our son Ben, his wife, Emily, and their sixth-month-old daughter Kylee. It turned out to be something special; they were at a crossroads with his schooling and needed a break with some fresh perspective. David felt more comfortable staying at home and keeping on his meds and routine. He was a little manic from trying to stay level while I was gone, but he came through it with flying colors. And the house was still clean, which is always a happy thing to come home to.

Left: Brian and Libby from the Space Needle

Below: Seattle from the Bainbridge Ferry

Bottom: Deception Point

We had a good time visiting with friends and family, seeing the sites in Seattle, and going to Whidby Island and Deception Point on the Puget Sound. We lived near Tacoma when I was little, and spent a lot of time on Bainbridge Island where my aunt and uncle lived while I was growing up. I forget how much I like the Puget Sound area until I get a chance to see it again. Even though it was cool and overcast (we never did see Mt. Rainier), it was beautiful.

The best part for me, though, was spending time with my boys, their wives, and three grandbabies. Ben and Brian have always had a close bond (a twin thing), even when they've been apart for long periods of time. I so enjoyed sitting back and watching them and their wives laugh and talk together. And I got to hold the babies to my heart's content.

We talked at some length about Ben's work to finish his master's degree in nuclear engineering. He's close to being done, but sometimes that last push can seem neverending. We talked of Brian and Tania having to wait seven years for a baby. I thought of some of my own challenges that have taken time and effort to work through. I remembered a talk I heard by Elder Jeffrey R. Holland nearly 30 years ago when all seemed bleak to me. I was trying to raise three small children on a barely adequate salary, and my first marriage was about to end. I wondered if I would ever get past that point. But his comments helped give me courage to carry on. He recounted Churchill's stirring speech at the beginning of World War II, and the 40 year effort to build the Salt Lake Temple. Then he said this: "Blood, toil, tears, and sweat. The best things are always worth finishing. 'Know ye not that ye are the temple of God?' (1 Cor. 3:16). Most assuredly you are. As long and laborious as the effort may seem, please keep shaping and setting the stones that will make your accomplishment 'a grand and imposing spectacle.' Take advantage of every opportunity to learn and grow. Dream dreams and see visions. Work toward their realization. Wait patiently when you have no other choice. Lean on your sword and rest a while, but get up and fight again. Perhaps you will not see the full meaning of your effort in your own lifetime. But your children will, or your children’s children will, until finally you, with all of them, can give the Hosanna Shout."

I looked at my sons and their wives and children, thought about their brothers and sisters with their lives all going forward in positive directions. Were the tough times raising them worth the effort? Oh yes! Because of them, my joy is full.

Brian and Tania's family; cousins Eric and Kylee; Ben and Emily; the twins and their wives; Brian, me, and Ben