The Joys of Grandparenting

We had two of our grandchildren (6-year-old Gabby and her 3-year-old brother Brad) spend the weekend with us. Such fun! We played Barbies and dress-up; David played "tiger" with Brad; we went shopping and bought them a dollar toy at a second-hand store and doughnuts at the grocery story; we made cookies, watched some movies, and read a few stories. We enjoyed their happy chatter, and the sound and energy of small ones running through the house. They were sweet and well behaved; it was just what we needed to bring sunlight into the winter doldrums we had been struggling with. Their tight "squeezes" and "I love yous" made our weekend.
It also reminded me of what attracted me to David in the first place: his way with young children. We met at a singles dance, and decided to meet the next day after work for cokes. I told him I had 3 children and had to pick them up from the daycare first. He said, "They're not brats are they?" I reassured him they were not.
The next day we met at a restaurant, and my 8-year-old twin boys, Ben and Brian, proceeded to tease their 6-year-old sister, Lara, to the point of tears. I ended up leaving him with the boys while I took my daughter kicking and screaming to the ladies room. When we left to go home, David asked me for my number, and I thought, "yeah, sure you'll call." I wouldn't have called me.
Two months later he was cleaning out his wallet, found my number, and on a whim, decided to call. After we laughed about our first "date," we ended up spending a lot of time together, alone and with the kids who hit it off from the start. Two months later we married and began life together as a blended family with Jonathan, Ben, Brian, Lara, Brittany, and Shannon (ages 10 to 4). Later we added Jeffrey and Katie. We also consider Krista, David's ex-wife's daughter, to be one of ours. They are the joy of my life and are worth every last grey hair, and "wrinkly eyes," as Gabby put it when she was making me a "princess."

Beacon of Hope

I don't know the story behind the site Beacon of Hope, or why it hasn't been updated for a long time, but I'm truly grateful the information posted there is still accessible.
I went wandering around the site again recently while trying to figure out how better to cope with David's moods. Several items in the coping section were welcome reminders that I'm not alone in dealing with a mentally ill spouse.
I especially relate right now to the section on "burnout." It's easy to get so involved with the drama surrounding him and his moods/needs/demands that I forget to take care of myself. Last week I made a stab at spending some quality time by myself, and it does help. For me, time by myself is as important as eating and breathing. I don't function very well when I don't have enough time alone to think and dream.
David's moods are still dark, but he finally went to his doctor. He's working with the doctor to adjust his medicine, and he needs to take some more blood tests. We were very lucky to have landed with caring, competent doctors when we most needed one. Last fall we had a Dr.'s appointment that coincided with David having a severe anxiety attack. Our regular Dr. was concerned, talked to the psychiatrist on the staff at the same clinic, and got David in to see him within just a few days. We're grateful for their good care and compassion.

It's been one of "those" months

David's moods often reminds me of winter weather. Like overcast skies and stormy days, his mood lately has been mostly gloomy with occasional patches of light. He's been struggling again with depression, more hallucinations, and an obsession with my body image.
This particular round has also been hard on me, and I realize that I need to explore some better coping techniques. Part of the problem for me has been that daily verbal attacks mostly about my weight, and ongoing financial challenges has taken a toll on my sense of worth.
On days when I wonder how I can keep going, I remember the words of a poem that one of my favorite high school teachers, Richard Pratt, taught me years ago:
I can't—a poor, pale, puny imp
Too lazy to work and from every duty does shirk.
I can—a giant, unbending he stands.
And he can conquer who thinks he can
In spite of the throngs who doubt him.

As with all storms, however, this one seems to be lifting at last, and I see some signs of improvement. Yesterday when I came home from work he surprised me with these flowers! I seldom get flowers, and I especially appreciate these:


It's a welcome reminder that every storm eventually ends.

Reflections on 2008

I've been watching the AP article about New Years Eve off and on all day. That's one of the wonders of the Internet: keeping up with events as they happen.
In addition to world and national events, 2008 was a momentous year for our family.
Some of the highlights:
1. Our youngest son, Jeff, called on Christmas Day from San Diego and announced he was getting married on January 5. Our two families hurriedly put together their wedding, and it was a resounding success. We're happy to have Nikki added to our family.
2. The arrival of grandbaby #13, Elizabeth (Libby) Jean, in March. Her parents, Brian and Tania, struggled for 7 years to get her here. We're grateful for her arrival.
3. David finally started getting his bipolar under control and did a great job of accepting the diagnosis. After 8 months of trying different types of medicine, he was put on lithium, which is helping to take the edge off of his mood swings. We also got his disability payments approved. That alone has helped ease our financial burdens.
4. Our daughter Lara, who lives in Mexico, spent the summer visiting with us. We hadn't seen her for 3 years, and it was such a joy to have her home.
5. Our youngest daughter, Katie, graduated from high school (I'm so happy to be done with public schools!), started school at the community college, and got engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Kevin.
6. I settled into my new job assignment as secretary/editor for the New Era magazine (the magazine for youth in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and got to go on my first travel assignment: to Ottawa, Canada in October. It was all around a great experience, and I am enjoying the change after 25 years of working as a typesetter/production assistant.
Some of the lowlights:
1. One of our daughters divorced, leaving her as a single mother with 2 young children.
2. David was hospitalized twice in three months. We nearly lost him in June to a bleeding ulcer. Fortunately our son Ben and son-in-law Wes were able to give him a blessing of health just before he collapsed and ended up in the hospital for 3 days. David had had serious trouble with hallucinations and hearing voices before that blessing; afterwards, the voices and hallucinations stopped. He still hears some noise, but it isn't nearly as intense as before.
3. The last week of August was especially intense: On Sunday, David's dad was admitted to the hospital because of Alzheimer disease. On Monday, I began taking a blogging class at the University, David started getting sick, and his dad passed away. On Wednesday, in between helping to plan the funeral and trying to take care of David, I had to move out of my office and move to the secretary's desk. On Thursday, David ended up in the emergency room for 4 hours with a severe headache. On Friday he nearly collapsed during the funeral. On Sunday he was admitted to the hospital for 3 days and was diagnosed with viral meningitis.
We're hoping 2009 will be a calmer year.

Getting Help

It's funny how we notice articles on a specific topic after we become intensely interested in it. Lately I've been rthis one at Yahoo! News on December 1, 2008. It says that 1 in 5 young adults has a personality disorder, and that "fewer than 25 percent of college-aged Americans with mental problems get treatment." The numbers see a little high, and before I take it at its word, I'd like to read more about how they did their research. Their range of mental illness issues also included alcohol and drug abuse, which may or may not be related to mental illness. But even if the numbers are overstated, it's obvious that there needs to be better mental health treatment available. Too many who are struggling with this issue either don't know help is available or how to get it. Fortunately, congress did at least one thing right this year when they passed Mental Health Parity legislation. DBSA discusses this bill in some detail. Basically the bill that goes into effect on January 1, 2010 ensures "that individuals living with a mental illness receive the same level of insurance coverage as those with a physical illness." It never made sense to me why our insurance wouldn't cover mental illness and counseling sessions that are designed to help make families healthier at the same level that they cover medical procedures.  At least this bill is a step in the right direction.