Learning Coping Skills

David struggled this last month with increasing bouts of paranoia and mixed episodes. For him, it seems to run in three-month intervals. The pressure and noise in his head, which he calls "buzzing and voices" builds up until the need to run away by himself becomes overwhelming. "Don't take this personally," he says when his illness starts to get the better of him.

Last weekend I was busy with a work-related project, and he went to help our daughter Shannon with her car. He came home and said all he could do was get her the parts she needed, but he couldn't focus enough to repair it. They did, however, have a long talk about his illness to help her understand what's going on with him. And early Sunday morning he left before I got up to take one of his "walks." The weather had turned cool and overcast with rain showers. He came home several hours later, and said, "I'm cold, hungry, tired, and I couldn't find a 'safe place,' so I came home." Welcome words!

When David comes home, I have to fight the urge to smother him with attention and affection until he feels ready to talk. I have learned to make home a comfortable place for him so that he wants to be here. Sometimes that means giving him lots of space. Then, when he's ready, we have a good conversation about his feelings and experiences (not very specific, but enough to help me understand where he's been). I have learned to stay very calm while he's talking, and spend most of the time listening to him. But he also is understanding of my feelings and encourages me to write down what has happened and how I feel about it.

I know he's feeling better when he jokes about "that other guy," and makes fun of the voices (he calls it "THEM") in his head and what they encourage him to do or not do.

We had a similar episode in July. After skimming through Julia Fast's book, "Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder" and browsing through helpful sites on the Internet, I (finally) figured out what I needed to do during these so very difficult episodes:

1. Remember that I cannot "fix" David. This is a hard one for me. I have a caretaker-type personality, and my instinct is to hover over him, and try to make everything better. There are times when he tells me to leave him alone. I have to respect his wishes, and leave him alone. He use to pick fights with me as an excuse to leave. Now he tells me what's going on with him, and is apologetic.

2. When the urge to leave hits him, there is absolutely nothing I can do or say that will help. The only thing I can do is pray for him and his well-being and safety. I feel comforted and reassured that all will be well. Though, human nature being what it is, I still worry, and as the hours tick by, find myself mentally and emotionally planning for the worst.

3. While he's gone, I keep myself busy instead of pacing, and waiting by the phone for a call. Last July, it coincided with one of my rare days off, so I took myself out for some retail therapy, and had a great time. This time, it fell on general conference weekend, so I listened to the sermons and crocheted baby blankets for 3 more expected grandbabies that are due in the next several months. I can handle the stress better when I do something for myself. For me, I need/want to be left alone when David is gone. I guess it's my way of coping. Our children have been wonderfully supportive of us. Shannon called to see how he was doing, and we had a good conversation about her father. Then, later, when David was home and feeling better, Jon and his family came by with a plate of cookies that their 8-year-old daughter made especially for "Grandpa David." We feel blessed by the care of our children.

I thoroughly enjoyed the shopping trip in July, but there were several messages that I needed to hear this weekend that helped me keep things in perspective.

"We are important to God not because of our résumé but because we are His children. He loves us because He is filled with an infinite measure of holy, pure, and indescribable love. He loves all His children, even those who are flawed, rejected, awkward, sorrowful, or broken. God's love is so great that He loves even the proud, the selfish, the arrogant, and the wicked.
"What this means is that, regardless of our current state, there is hope for us. No matter our distress, no matter our sorrow, no matter our mistakes, our infinitely compassionate Father desires that we draw near to Him so that He can draw near to us.
"We increase our love for God and demonstrate that love by aligning our thoughts and actions with God's word. The pure love of our Heavenly Father ever directs and encourages us to become more pure and holy. It inspires us to walk in righteousness—not out of fear or obligation but out of an earnest desire to be like Him." President Dieter Uchtdorf, Second Counselor in the First Presidency

"Sometimes in our repentance, in our daily effort to become more Christ-like, we find ourselves repeatedly struggling with the same difficulties. Like climbing a tree-covered mountain, at times we don't see our progress until we get closer to the top and look back from the high ridges. Don't be discouraged. If you are striving and working to repent, you are in the process of repenting." Elder Neil L. Andersen, Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

I appreciate these words of counsel and support to help me through the hard times.

First Day of Fall

Happy first full day of Fall!
Fall is my favorite season of the year. I know some people really struggle with the changing seasons, including David. He usually has a bad bout of the blues about this time of year, and that can put a damper on it, but I enjoy it for several reasons:

1. Utah has beautiful falls with warm, sunny days and cool nights.

2. The red color of the scrub oak and gold of the aspens make the mountains come alive with color. We went to our favorite fishing spot on Sunday, and while the leaves haven't fully changed, there was a hint of things to come.


Lost Creek Reservoir, near Ogden, Utah


3. The start of the new school year, even though I'm not going this year, makes me feel energetic and eager to work on projects around the house. I'm not terribly domestic, so I try to take advantage of the mood while it lasts.

4. It's my birthday season, and I like taking some time to ponder over the events of the past year, and make new goals. It's my version of New Year's resolutions.

Some of my goals are to write more regularly here, and work on family history stories and research. My brother helpfully reminded me of that today.

I am also looking forward to working on household projects that have been long neglected. I plan on painting several rooms that desperately need it.

David and I talked this morning about how our summer went. He cheerfully recalled several activities and achievements he's had during the summer months. This summer hasn't been without its challenges, but he's been much more active and healthy than he has been in at least two years. That's a good feeling.

I came home this evening, and found him in the depths of deep despair. It's hard to know how to help him when he gets in these moods. I've found that about all I can do is sit with him quietly, and pray for the darkness to lift. Rob Thomas's song, "Her Diamonds" describes how I feel when he's so down. As hard as it is to watch him suffer, I know I have to keep going and not get sucked into his mood.

Rob Thomas - New Music - More Music Videos

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The Soloist

David and I watched the movie "The Soloist" last night. It's the story of a LA Times journalist befriending a homeless street musician struggling with schizophrenia. Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Foxx do an outstanding job playing the leads, and the music is an added bonus. I thought it was a moving and compassionate story of mental illness and homelessness. The DVD has some additional features that are well worth watching. One of the directors of an agency in LA dedicated to helping those who are mentally ill and homeless makes the point that all of them are someone's brother, sister, father, mother, son, daughter. She also mentions that the cost of helping them is less than the cost of having them in the legal system. She gave some helpful hints about how to help this neglected part of the population and the joy that comes from serving them. The directors insisted on filming the actual location and used some of the homeless people there as extras in the movie. They learned that they don't have to fear those with mental illness and shooting the movie was a life-changing experience for them.

David struggled with it in parts because it hit too close to home. I offered to turn it off, but he said, no, he wanted to face his demons. He thought it was an accurate description of how mental illness feels. I worried about it affecting his mood, but he got up this morning willing and ready to keep fighting his disorder. His illness is far milder than that of the musician, Nathaniel Ayers, but he asked me why it is that he has a home and a loving family while so many others with his condition don't. I don't have a good answer for that, but we feel grateful that he does. He says the movie gave him additional motivation to staying on top of his disorder.

I was intrigued by the story, so I read a little more about it online, and ordered the book from Amazon. Steve Lopez is the journalist who took an interest in the homeless population of Los Angeles, and found his life enriched by the experience. I'm glad to see an accurate, compassionate, respectful treatment of mental health issues in a movie. I hope more will be produced that will help ease the stigma.

Camping and Hiking Report

Happy 09-09-09!

Our August was a month full of activities: the end of school, my stepmother's funeral, work, and home improvement projects. We also managed to fit in a camping trip with our son Jonathan, his wife, Tawnya, 2 granddaughters, Jenna (8) and Gabby (7), and our 2 dogs, Sunny and Lucy, our 8-month old lab-pointer mix pup.

The plan was to camp near a reservoir that David remembered going to with his grandparents when he was young. Memory must have enlarged the lake in his mind because there wasn't much there now. We set off to find another place to camp. David and I both like exploring little traveled roads, and most of the time we have a good experience. This time, however, we saw a promising camp area, and went down a road that was little more than a cattle trail with a grass-covered stream beside it. Unfortunately, we didn't see the stream until it was too late.




Four hours, 2 jacks, a bunch of rocks that Tawnya collected while I entertained the girls, and several choice words later, we were back on solid ground. It was a pretty area, though.

We eventually found a better camping spot, and spent the rest of the weekend relaxing, visiting, playing with the girls and the dogs, reading (I brought a James Thurber book; it was great), fishing, and some more exploring of the countryside (without further mishap). David also found a horse pasturing. He brought the horse back to camp, made a bridle, and after exploring for a while, found its home. He enjoyed being on horseback again, even though he was sore afterward. It was all worth the effort of packing up and going.









A few weeks later we went on a day hike to see a waterfall with our daughter Brittany and her family. The day was perfect for hiking: not to hot, with an occasional rain shower to keep us cool. Her husband, Wes, and son Dylan had been there before and were our guides. Part of the trail was steep and rocky, but Wes and David were good to help me over the roughest parts. Sunny was also there by my side; we decided he would have pushed me up over the hard parts if he could have. The view at the end of the hike was worth all of the effort to get there.







So it is with life. We go farther with help and encouragement from friends and families. Especially when we get to steep, rocky parts and we don't know what lies ahead. And when we put forth effort and faith to keep going, we are rewarded by strengthened friendships and spectacular views that we couldn't see when we were struggling up the path.

Post partum Depression

I read the August 2009 Ensign magazine on Sunday, and came across an excellent article about Postpartum Depression. I'm glad the subject is finally out in the open and being addressed.

I still remember the excruciating emotional pain and bad, bad memories associated with postpartum depression twenty-nine years after I suffered from it. At the time I had no idea what was wrong with me. All I knew was that I had blinding headaches (caused, as it turned out, by an undiagnosed case of whiplash from a car accident the week before my daughter was born), crying spells, and little energy to take care of my 3 young children, a small married-student apartment and a demanding student-husband. I had been a happy-go-lucky person before, and it was confusing to me as to why the world suddenly seemed dark and hopeless. It would have been good to know what was happening, and may have helped my then-husband be more compassionate. I didn't have a name for what I had gone through until ten years later when I was expecting Katie, and the Dr. gave me a pamphlet on the subject. The lights went on, and I was finally able to start letting go of that part of the past.

There were a few things that I did to help myself during those dark days, including dragging myself and 3 babies to church every Sunday (the friendships and messages there were very comforting and helped me get through the week), listening to uplifting music and sermons, relying on prayer, thanks to the encouragement of my home teachers who came by at a critical moment to give me some desperately needed emotional support and a prayer, and reading scriptures and the Ensign.

A few years later I found myself working at the Ensign, and spent 25 years there doing typesetting and production work. It was a real joy and a great blessing to be associated with the magazine and the people who produce it. Over the years they have printed some fine articles about social and emotional health issues from a religious, spiritual viewpoint. I thought I'd include links to some of them, hoping that they might be of help:

* "Bipolar Disorder: My Lessons in Love, Hope, and Peace" January 2009.

* "Myths about Mental Illness," October 2005.

* "When Your Child is Depressed," August 2004.

* "Easing the Burdens of Mental Illness," October 2001.

* "Suicide: Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not," October 1987.

Last year the LDS Church launched a site dedicated to helping family members, leaders and teachers reach out to those who have several different types of health challenges, including mental and emotional challenges. The site is still in the early stages, with more upgrades being planned, but the response has been overwhelmingly positive. The section about mental illness has basic, general information on the subject, along with some tips on how to help those who struggle, and additional links to other websites and articles. I especially appreciate the teaching ideas because David struggles with attending church on Sunday. The site is still new, but I expect that as the word about it spreads, it will be a help and comfort to those who come across it.

When I was working on my final paper, I was happy to find a newspaper story about a group of social work students at BYU who saw a need for clergy members to find answers when dealing with the mental health concerns of their congregations. All of these efforts and many others like them are important steps to reducing the stigma associated with mental health issues.

David has been struggling with his moods again, but he works hard to keep them under control. It helped that Sunday our home teacher and friend came by and spent an hour patiently listening to David talk about some of his concerns. We went on a walk afterward, and when he saw a friend's swamp cooler still covered, he asked them if they needed help with it. He says he decided that instead of complaining about what happened with our roofing episode, he was going to make the effort to reach out to others more. I am thrilled with the change of attitude.