Of Mentors and Support Groups

In addition to all of the family stuff that happened last month, one of my best friends and mentors at work retired after 25 years. She taught me everything I know about proofreading and magazine production work, and it was hard to see her leave. Today we had a luncheon for her, and it was so much fun to visit with her and others who used to work at the magazine, including 2 long-retired former bosses whom I greatly admire.
One of the benefits of working for the same company is the feeling of shared history with coworkers. Most of us have children the same age, and when they were growing up we would get together for lunch and share stories and child raising techniques. It was truly a case of "it takes a village to raise a child." My children used to say they had 10 other mothers and fathers who were interested in them and their well-being.
I started working at the LDS Church magazines as the typist (though it worked into being a typesetter/production job) when I had 3 very young children and was in a deeply troubled marriage. My family lived in another state, and my coworkers became a surrogate family. They helped me through the bad marriage, divorce, single parenthood, remarriage, broken and blended family issues to numerous to mention, missions, marriages, babies, military deployments, David's illnesses, and my schooling. I cannot imagine how I would have survived without their loving support and many kindnesses. They are truly Christlike people, and great examples to follow.
We have been blessed to live in wards (local congregations) with friends and neighbors who lend helping hands when they are needed. They are fine examples of people who live their religion.
Our extended family of parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles and cousins have also been a great support and are all that anyone could ask for in a family. They understand that families are meant to work and play together and to give each other support and encouragement in good times and bad.
Support groups on the web have also been very helpful, especially one for military parents. They have been a godsend when my boys have been deployed. It's so nice to find others across the country who are having similar experiences, and to learn and grow from each other. I also appreciate the sites that I have found that discuss mental illness and all of its issues.
I feel truly blessed by all these and others who have enriched my life. I have never really felt alone, even in the midst of the trials that come with life.

Recovering from all the excitement

In addition to the graduation last week, we had some other big events take place: Our youngest daughter married the week before; our daughter Lara who was visiting from Mexico went back home; our son Brian graduated and was commissioned an Army officer in Kentucky (same day); and we became empty-nesters on Mother's Day weekend. Mother's Day is a tender time for me and usually comes with tears, mostly because I miss my mother who passed away when I was 21. Fortunately, David understands, and we reverse roles: he takes care of me emotionally.

David came through the last month of big stress really very well, but it's starting to take a toll on him. He had a couple of bad days and nights, including one involving fishing on the Jordan River (his latest hobby) at 10:00 p.m. Fortunately, our hero dog Riley was uneasy and pushed him back toward the car and home. (It's a little difficult to ignore a 90 lb. dog nudging against you.) I figure if that's as bad as he gets, we're all right. He has noticed more noises, and mood swings, but, as he says, he gets up every morning and fights to be normal. He's doing a good job of staying on top of his moods with his meds and talking through it with me. 

I've been stressed as well, and I notice that when I'm over tired and stressed I have a hard time concentrating on tasks at hand, and I am more forgetful. (A bad thing, since I tend to be absent minded anyway.)

Right now, we're gearing up for a big Memorial Day trip to the parks of Southern Utah. He always stresses over upcoming trips, so we'll see how this goes. It started out as a trip for just the two of us, then he decided he wanted to have the kids come, too. At this point, it's us, David's ex, Bette, 2 of our daughters, and 2 grandchildren. I can hardly wait for this weekend!

Since I am a sometimes (ok. always) gushy mother, and so very proud of my children, here are a few pix from our month.

Katie and her new husband, Kevin

Ben (a graduate engineering student) and Brian (a poli science graduate and new officer)

Brian, being commissioned by his twin, Ben, and his wife, Tania

The first salute to his ex-Marine brother, Jonathan

Graduation Thoughts

I graduated yesterday at age 53 from the University of Utah with a BA in Mass Communication. It was a bittersweet day, filled with the excitement of finishing an almost-6 year project, reflecting on the past, looking toward the future, and sharing it with loved ones.

After the commencement ceremony

In front of the communication building, where I spent a lot of time.

With my dad

David McCullough, the historical writer, received an honorary degree and was the commencement speaker. For a history buff, it was a real treat. He compared our accomplishments with the building of the Brooklyn Bridge—the first man-made wonder in America. Here are some of the comments, among the many, that I appreciated:
"Had the American dream been handed to us all in tidy order, all done up with everything set to operate perfectly in perpetuity, we would hardly be the people we are."
"History can be a great source of inspiration. Learn from the past and don't take the 'familiar' things for granted."
"And make it your practice to ask people about themselves and what they've learned from experience. Don't ever forget that there isn't a man or woman, no matter their appearance or station in life, who doesn't know something, or how to do something, that you don't."

I loved my time at the U. I thought it was invigorating and exciting. My older sister, Barb, came for the ceremony, and after the commencement, but before the convocation where I actually walked across the stage, I showed her around the campus. It's a beautiful campus, set high on the hill, with a lot of trees and a combination of old and new buildings. She worked as an educator in the community college in Washington for 28 years, and was instrumental in talking me into going back to school. We agreed that one of the things we love about colleges is the enthusiasm and passion of the students, as well as expanding horizons.

One of my favorite views of the campus

I decided to go back to school thirty years after getting my associate degree from Ricks College (now BYU—Idaho) when I started feeling stale, and the youngest two were in high school. I suppose it was a form of mid-life crisis, but I also knew that if I didn't do something to update and further my work skills, I would end up in a dead-end job. So with the help and encouragement of family, friends, David, workmates, professors, and other students, I went to school part-time and had a wonderful, successful experience that has already helped my career. (By the way, my final grade in the statistics class was a lovely C! I feel really good about that, especially considering that I had only one (1) hour to study before the final.)
David has been great about supporting me, and we agreed that after we settle in to being empty-nesters, I may go back for a Masters degree in a few more years. I already have a project in mind: interviewing and writing about the affect of bipolar disorder on spouses.

We Often Go Walking

We often go walking along the Jordan River trail. The trail is a favorite area for David to go when he is in a wandering mood, when he wants peace to think, and where our dogs like to run.

Last Sunday was sunny and warm, so we decided to take the dogs for a walk. Sunny, our 4-year-old poodle, and Riley, our 2-year-old German short-hair lab, sense a treat coming, and hold semi-still when David puts their leash on them.

David with Riley and Sunny at the golf course

The trail is not far from our home, but to get to it we have to walk along the fenceline of the community golf course. We take care to stay clear of the golfers who are also out enjoying the early spring weather. When we reach the trail, David lets the dogs run free. Sunny stays right by his side, but Riley races off to the river, jumps in, and chases his beloved ducks. The river is slow moving and muddy, but it's home to a large population of ducks, geese, beaver, and some trash fish. Riley also likes to sniff out and chase raccoons and squirrels (and, unfortunately on occasion, skunks) who live along the river bank.

The Jordan River

We enjoy watching Riley's antics, and David tells me about his adventures with the dogs on his previous trips. We walk together, sometimes talking quietly about little things, sometimes quiet with our own thoughts. One of the things I enjoy most about David are the comfortable silences between us.

Riley in the water

The first part of the trail is improved with asphalt and a new fence designed to keep golf balls off the trail. Then we get to the unimproved section. It gives us the feeling that we're out away from civilization, even though we are still close to the city. If we look east, we can see the city, but looking west, there is open land. It feels peaceful.

View of the city, looking southwest

We walk past a well-kept animal rescue sanctuary and David tells me about watching puppies play there. Sometimes he stops and chats with the workers, and they comment on how well behaved our dogs are. He tells me about other people he has met along the trail, including fishermen who sometimes offer him a drink and who visit with him.
We come to an abandoned junk yard filled with old broken bottles, a rusted-out washtub and old tires; I pick up a few old bottles to take home. He tells me about other times he has been there, and as he talks, I get a glimpse into his world when he goes wandering.

When we come to a rickety old bridge, he tells me about the time he tried to cross it when he was in one of his catatonic states. He shakes his head and says, "Sometimes it scares me to realize the danger I've been in, and I realize the Lord is watching over and protecting me." We are quiet for a few minutes, thinking about our blessings. He says he has found a secluded spot along the river that is his sanctuary when he's in one of his moods. He won't show it to me because he goes there when he doesn't want to be found. Maybe he will another day.

View from the end of the trail

We eventually come to the end of the trail where it meets up with another, newly-created path near a freeway. "Want to know how I get across the freeway?" he asks me. I shake my head, there are some things that I would really rather not think about.
Finding a grassy area, we lie down for a few minutes and watch the clouds go by. I reflect upon the stories David has told me, and I appreciate his trust in sharing his feelings and experiences with me. I know how important this river is to him, and I feel privileged that he let me see it through his eyes. It also makes me feel better to see where he goes when he's out walking.
We slowly make our way home, a little tired and footsore, but content.

On Becoming Empty-Nesters

I am only six weeks away from graduation—I just got the official information about the commencement services today. (I do have to take an online statistics class this summer, and then I'll really be done with this project.) So exciting!! The class has gone better than I really expected. I took another test on Tuesday, and should have a clearer picture tomorrow on how well I'm doing. I just keep repeating to myself: "Cs earn degrees."
We have also been busy with wedding plans. Our youngest, Katie, is getting married May 1, and we're now in full swing with preparations. Last weekend I went with Katie and Kevin (her fiance), and Krista while they took engagement photos. Krista did a great job with them. Here's one that was taken on Antelope Island in the Great Salt Lake at sunset:

David has been doing all right with the increase in his medicine, but lately the noise in his head is back, full force. We think that part of the problem is work-related stress. He works part-time for a janitorial company, and after his six-month medical leave, they finally put him back to work at a regular position that he shared with another man. Unfortunately, today we found out that the people where he was working wanted someone there full time, which he can't do, so he's back to only working nights with Katie and me. It all takes such a bad toll on his sense of self-worth when things like this happen. He's also nervous about this upcoming wedding, and what it will be like for us to be empty-nesters. I frankly am rather excited about the change, even though I'll miss having Katie at home. David, on the other hand, doesn't like change. He keeps saying, "what if we don't like each other?"
"We'll be fine," I tell him.
or "what are we doing to do without kids around?"
"Relax and enjoy ourselves," I say.
or "maybe we should take in a foster child."
"We've done that before, and I'm not even remotely interested," I said with great emphasis.
We're thinking of taking a real vacation, all by ourselves, over Memorial Day weekend. I can hardly wait!

Update: I didn't do well on the last test, so I picked myself up, dusted off my wounded pride, and tried again with homework assignment number 3. Only 1 more assignment and a test to go!
Wedding plans are continuing at a fast pace: invites are done, we had a bridal shower, now it's on to flowers and food, and finding me a dress.