Family History

I read a lecture by David McCullough about the importance of history to our society. He says, "History is filled with voices that reach out and lift the spirits, sometimes from the distance of centuries." I think that is one of the reasons why I find history so fascinating. I am looking forward to reading his books now that I, theoretically anyway, should have more time when I'm done with school. I know, famous last words, but one can always hope!

When I was going through my divorce, I came across the journal that my great-grandmother kept during the 1930s. She describes her day-to-day life on the plains of Canada, as well as some of her childhood memories. Her story helped me understand that life keeps going on, even when it feels like things will never get any better. Her story gave me courage to carry on during difficult times. In addition to her story, I have collected a number of other treasured family stories over the years that help me to understand myself better. My goal is to put them in a form that my children and grandchildren will want to read. It will probably take me years to finish, but if these stories lie unread in the bottom of a drawer, then what good are they? My hope is that they will help others along the way. I did finish Grandma Zerelda's story for a class project when I first started at the U.

David's grandma Zerelda and I hit it off immediately when we met. I love history, especially family history, and she was delighted to tell me about her childhood in person and sent me long letters filled with fascinating detail about life in the early 20th century. One of the reasons that I was interested in David's family history was to try to understand his background, hoping it would give me a clue to his moods. Sure enough, Grandma Zerelda described her father: "My first recollections of life were while living with Grandpa and Grandma Garner, Mother’s parents. My dad wouldn’t have me. Boys were all he wanted and was angry about each girl that joined the family. It seemed he was either angry or overly happy; no in-between. This was heard many times; relatives or visitors would discuss the story. Some way, no satisfactory answer was to be mine, although this has been pondered many, many times. I was with my grandparents until age 11, when my baby sister was expected while they were living at Caliente, Nevada."

It seems to me that there are more questions about the nature of mental illness than there are answers. Some believe it to be a genetic tendency; others do not. More research needs to be done before we really understand all there is to know on the subject, but in David's case anyway, I really believe it is a genetic tendency, and her history helps me understand him better.

Saying Farewell to My Neighbor

We went to the funeral for our sweet 85-year-old neighbor Elizabeth on Saturday. It was a beautiful service, filled with tender thoughts from her children and grandchildren. A daughter compared her to a rose that was continually unfolding, reminding us that she picked up oil painting and excelled at it when she was 70 years old. One of her sons gave a rousing rendition of "Country Roads" by John Denver, with the audience spontaneously rising and joining in song. I don't know that I will ever hear that song again without thinking of that moment. He said his mother was given $10 a week for family expenses while they were growing up, and one summer she sacrificed all of it for her son to get a guitar and music lessons.
A mother of eight children, with an alcoholic husband, she was a fine example of someone who overcame great adversity with humor, compassion for others, and joy in living. Her children rallied around her, treating her like a queen. They were the most important part of her life, and they knew it.
We appreciated her patience with our children. One time she alerted us to an underground cave our children built in our backyard without our knowledge. It extended into her backyard, and when she saw smoke rising from the ground she was concerned about their safety. On several occasions they went to her house when they forgot their house keys and couldn't get in after school, and sometimes just because they liked being with her. She welcomed them in, spoiled them with treats, and let them play with her collection of dolls and other toys. I always enjoyed visiting with her about our families, life's lessons that we both had learned, and gardening tips.
We will sorely miss her.

Deployments

I talked to Sailor Jeff last night, and he said they aren't leaving for another two weeks. I was happy; that means two weeks of not worrying about him. He felt a little let down, but OK about it. He says he just wants to get it over with, but I'm sure he'll find a way to enjoy this extra time at home. We had a good visit with him and his wife, Nikki, when they were here on leave. I didn't want to let go of him.

Even though this will be deployment number 7 for our family, I am still anxious when our boys are deployed. We have a former Marine, 1 active duty Army, 1 active duty Army Reserve, and a Sailor. All have been deployed at least once.

I have found some things that help me cope while they're gone:

1. The most important thing is to rely on faith and prayer.

2. I spend more time on military parent forums visiting with other parents who are also experiencing the same waves of emotion that I am: deep pride mixed with fear.

3. Keep busy with other things.

4. Send e-mails and care packages regularly. Though, to be honest, I could do better with this.

5. Keep as informed as possible about what's going on in the area of the world where they are. I depend on blogs that deal with trouble spots to give me a better picture of events taking place.

6. Jeff's captain is really good about leaving recorded messages, and I often visit the ship's website to read and look at pictures about it.

The Internet is a great thing. Our Marine was deployed to the Gulf in 1998 when the African embassies were bombed. I didn't have Internet access, and had no idea of where to look for information on what was happening. I was a basket case. Brian was deployed to Iraq in March 2003, and then it was a case of too much information all of the time. That was also unnerving.

When I have asked my sons to tell me about what they're doing, I get the standard response: "Oh, just the same old thing." But I don't know what "the same old thing" is. It helped me understand Navy deployments last year when PBS aired the series "Carrier" that coincided with Jeff's deployment to the Pacific.

Surprisingly enough, David does better with deployments than I do. He has to remind me that a) they are well trained, and b) in Jeff's case, he is on an aircraft carrier that is well protected. I know that, but I never completely relax until I know they're safely back on US soil.

Up on the Roof

We've spent the last few weeks on a "re-roofing our house" adventure, including spending the 4th of July on the roof. We were having trouble with a leaky roof and decided last month that it was time to fix it. Good thing. It would never survive another winter without major problems. We decided during the bid process (something David obsessed over, but we did get a good deal) that we could save money by taking the shingles off and preparing it for the new ones ourselves. Well, yes, we did save money, but it has been more of a labor-intensive project than we anticipated. It took us, along with help from 3 of our sons, 4 days to deshingle the roof. Our house is about 50 years old, and the roof had 3 layers of shingles to take off. Lots of hard work! I ached for a few days in places I didn't know I had. We're starting to realize we aren't spring chickens anymore.

It was, however, nice to spend some time with David and our son Ben, who spent most of those days with us working on it.

David came through the stress of it fairly well. It was good for him to work hard at something and see the benefits of his labor. He was a little (OK. a lot) annoyed that some of our younger, able-bodied neighbors didn't offer to help, but he worked through it. Several of our neighbors are retired, and they came by with cold drinks and encouragement. I have no doubt that they would have been up there with us if they were able to.  He vented at the lack of help to one of our sweet neighbors, and I was a little afraid she would take offense. I was wrong. When I mentioned it to her, she said, "Now that I understand what his illness is, I look at him in a whole new way, and I am enjoying getting acquainted with him." Statements like that make me cry. I wish more of our friends and neighbors had that understanding and compassion.

UPDATE: We are now the happy owners of a brand, spanking-new roof! (I'm sorely tempted to post photos, like a proud new parent, but that might be a little over the top!)

It took a LOT of effort, haggling with the salesman (who oversold his contracts), the supervisor (who didn't communicate with the salesman, and didn't get the shingles ordered when we needed them), the owner of the company (who ended up having to re-negotiate the contract and give us new shingles and a better warranty), and the contractors (who were mad at being taken off another job in order to do ours). I have no sympathy for them; we did our part by doing the tear-off on time, and caught them unprepared to do their part. David did a great job of staying calm, focused, and forceful in getting them to fulfill their part of the contract. The moral of the story: don't pay contractors up front for work that needs to be done, and check with the BBB before signing a contract.

David also has been putting more time and attention to our yard, and just put paving stones in the front yard by the street. It looks so nice, and the project has helped him focus and given him more confidence in his abilities. Our neighbors went out of their way to let him know they liked his work; he was DELIGHTED.

Class Assignment

I've been working on preparing an outline for my analysis of argument class. The topic is increasing education and awareness of mental illness. I decided to post my outline here, and would love feedback:

Resolved: The United States government should allocate more of its social services funding to educate the general population, law enforcement, clergy and family members about mental illness.

A. A significant number of Americans suffer from various types and degrees of mental illness.
1. Approximately 26 percent of the United States population ages 18 and older suffer from a diagnosable mental illness.
2. Sixteen percent of the homeless population are mentally ill.
3. 280,000 people with mental illness are in jail or prison, four times more than in state mental hospitals.
4. Approximately 90 percent of marriages involving someone with a mental illness will end in divorce.

B. Society is negatively impacted because of misconceptions about the causes and treatment associated with mental illness.
1. A recent example of what can happen when police officers are not sufficiently trained is the tasering death of Brian Cardall on June 9, 2009 during a psychotic episode.
2. Most insurance carriers don’t cover mental health issues at the same rate as regular healthcare.
a. As a result of inadequate coverage, many are unable to afford healthcare for their themselves or their loved ones who need help.
1. In 2010 a new law will go into effect giving mental health coverage the same amount as other illnesses. It’s a step in the right direction.
3. Mental illness affects family members emotionally and financially.
a. Many are unable to sustain relationships and end up divorcing.
b. Some have impulse control problems and become deeply in debt.
4. The National Institute of Mental Health estimates that mental illness costs the nation at least $193 billion annually.
a. Approximately $193 billion in lost earnings.
b. In 2004 22% of total hospital costs were attributed to adults with a mental health disorder.

C. Resources available to those in need of mental health care are inadequate.
1. Mental health care workers have increasingly heavy workloads.
2. Patients often have to wait weeks or months to see a doctor for help.
3. Social stigma and misunderstanding about mental illness causes many to feel marginalized.
4. Families often don’t know where to turn for help and information.
5. Most of the time the issue of mental illness is only covered when someone acts out and ends up in the news.
A. Most people are afraid of mental illness or don’t know what to do to help.

D. Information should be more accessible through a nonprofit agency, through more accurate media representations and additional research to aid understanding about mental illness and those affected by it.
1. Give national mental health agencies more exposure in the media and increase their presence on the Internet.
a. Create a nonprofit clearing house of information about mental health issues that is easy to find and access.
i. National Institute of Mental Health website
ii. The BBC has a page devoted to mental health issues: http://www.bbc.co.uk/health/conditions/mental_health/index.shtml
2. Encourage the media to accurately portray people suffering from mental illness.
a. Example: the Broadway play “Next to Normal”

Update: I just got my grade back for the outline: a 92! I'm feeling good about this.